Why I Read the "Letter" @ GB RTWR Memorial Race this Year... GMB VII

[Motodad393]

Each year Jewish people are commanded to reflect on our lives, our inequities and identify areas that we should change. It begins with Rosh Hashanah [New Year] and ends on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Each year the Garrett Berg Remembering Those Who Rode Memorial Race falls in and around our High Holy Days.

In the past ten days or so, I have been thinking about and "reflecting" on this year’s event. For some reason thoughts and feelings have been coming from deep within, entering my psychic. For the most part, they have been positive and they are deep. I resist, yet these thoughts and feelings still come; some with tears and others with smiles and warmth. Apparently I need to write. One of our great Sages said, “Word that come from the heart enter the heart!” This is my wish as I share my thoughts.

All of the Garrett Berg “Remembering Those Who Rode Memorial Race/Rides” have been special to me and my family. Over the years I have had the distinct privilege of meeting new faces and seeing people who are very special to my heart. I have developed many friendships that are what I call “connections of the heart.” These relationships are such that there is no way to adequately put my feelings into “simple words.” These bonds strengthen over time.

This year’s “Remembering Those Who Rode Memorial Race/Ride” was special in a unique way. I attribute this to Matt Sandt, Garrett’s best friend was; as Matt says, “Piloting Garrett’s 2003 YZ450F!” Matt was with Shannon and me on the day of Garrett’s fatal accident. Like all of us there that day this experience left “scars” deep inside. These scars take time to process and enable us to move forward in an attempt to achieve some “semblance of engaging life again.” Many life experiences afford us this opportunity, yet often times they are hard to see and even more difficult to act on. For me, I am not sure “healing” is possible, yet I will strive to learn from this journey.

Each year I am asked, or someone makes a statement along the lines of: “Mr. Berg I do not know how you and your family do this every year. It must be painful!”

Well, it is painful, especially for my wife. She enjoys the social gatherings and the friends we have made since losing Garrett, but she has a very hard time at the track. This is something that is understandable, but I think this is something only a mom fully understands. Mothers grieve differently than Fathers grieve and there is no right, or wrong way to grieve. For me I “cried out, opened up my heart for those who would listen and eventually read the words that I had written.” It was simply a reaction, something I did in a desperate attempt to survive. It was like trying to “make sense” of something that “makes no sense!” I am not sure that grieving ever ends, but it can become more “bearable” through time as a person moves forward after losing a child.

Some people at the race commented, “I don’t know how you could read the “Letter” that you wrote to Garrett? I will respond to this comment as best I can.

During the Riders Meeting I mentioned that “Life knocks us all down at some point or another.” It is not “If", but “When.” The key is how quick we “get up” when life knocks us down. It does not stop there either; we must ask ourselves – “what did we learn from being knocked down?” When we are honest with ourselves we learn something – let’s call that “knowledge.” Knowledge means absolutely nothing until such time that we apply it in our life in a manner that it makes us better husbands, fathers, mothers, co-workers and in general better human beings. When we do this that ‘knowledge’ can become “wisdom.” For wisdom is “the proper application of knowledge.”

When tragedy strikes our life, it usually does one of two things: (1) it takes us down and the “bottom” varies with each person, or (2) we try and look for “positive things” that often result from tragedy as we reach out to help others in a similar position. This helps us realize that we are not alone in our struggles; thereby, providing inner strength not often realized or experienced.

For years, unknowingly I was trapped deep within the “valley overshadowed by death,” unaware of where I was; combined with the fact that I was just standing there dazed, glaring into a darkness full of pain and uncontrolled emotion. It is a reality that I would wish on no one, ever at anytime! My Rabbi finally lovingly “jolted me” and immediately I became of aware of where I was and the condition that I subconsciously allowed myself to deteriorate to. Immediately I knew that I must “move” – as if there was a proper direction. I wondered which way I should move. In retrospect, it does not matter, but one must simply move and not stop moving. One must look for positive energy. This is critical for survival.

I began to look around and witnessed many positive things resulting from the death of my son. My relationship with G_d, my wife and daughter, very close friends and from my “Off-Road Riding Family” I received the “strength” enabling me to move ever so slowly forward through the valley overshadowed by death. You folks changed my life in very positive ways through your love and generosity; it simply took me ‘time’ before I could see it. For this my family and I will be forever indebted to you.

I have learned that from “life’s experiences” we all have a need to “correct ourselves” and grow as individuals. The goal is to move to the next level in a spiritual sense and in actuality. In Hebrew each “correction” is known as a Tikkun [Tikkun Olam] meaning “correcting, perfecting/ repairing the world and ourselves. It is about becoming better people. Often times our ego can be our worst enemy. We can place too much value on how we think we are perceived by others. Changing ourselves requires “looking back” into our past. Many times this self-introspection of our past produces pain. For those who choose to evaluate the inequities of our past and our resulting feelings, there is much knowledge that can be gained. It is how we apply what we come to realize about our inequities and how they have restricted us in life, that we create opportunities to move forward in positive directions and become better husbands, parents, brothers/sisters, children and co-workers. We gain a chance to repair ourselves and contribute to repairing a world that so desperately needs it.

For me reading the “Letter” publically is something that I have felt the need to do from deep within. It is not easy, for this produces many emotions. For a period of years I have had “difficulty engaging life” because life is not the same for me, nor will it ever be. I have known that I need to change, but how. During the past six months or so, I sought help to determine how I can “engage life again” – move forward in a positive way. I know that “realizing the need for change was the first step to making the change.” This has been a challenge for me as I suspect it can be for many others.

I spoke with a person who became familiar with my situation and the tragedy of my family. One day while talking with this man He asked me

“Have you ever thought about writing what Garrett would say to you in a letter?”

This question caught me off-guard and absolutely blew me away. It remains a deep and emotional thought. I still reflect on this question with some regularity. It makes tremendous sense to me. I am reluctant, because I know there are things I need to change. I know these changes will help me move to the next level spiritually and in the reality to engaging life again but…..

I had come to believe that this man was what I considered to be “a wise man and offering good council.” He is a young man capable of deep thought. About six weeks passed since I had spoken with him.

When we met for a second time, once again, He gently asked

“Have you thought anymore about writing the letter from Garrett to you yet?”

I replied, “Yes! I am thinking about it seriously. The hard part is making sure that the letter would be Garrett’s thoughts and not my own thoughts.”

As if he were shocked, He replied,

“Do you think that they would really be that different?”

His response stunned me! I thought for a moment and as tears filled my eyes I said,

“You know, probably not. We were so close.”

It was this exact moment that I realized I must ‘somehow’ write this letter. I also realized that I would have to be capable of emotionally dealing with the “Letter” I wrote to him shortly after he died. This would require me to open up more. As a point of reference, my daughter Shannon has known about this “Letter” for years, and has never chosen to “read it!” She too bears much pain in her heart. If is for these reasons I read the “Letter” this year at the Garrett Berg “Remembering Those Who Rode Memorial Race.” It was a reality, a feeling that came from deep within me.

For me, this is about taking the next step forward in an attempt to engage life again and hopefully find a way to help others who have lost a child. It is about applying the lessons I continue to learn from my inequities and applying the resulting knowledge in a manner that it may hopefully become wisdom to share with others. At some point, when the time is right I will write Garrett’s letter to me.

Often times overcoming ourselves can be the greatest challenge to making the “next step.”


[Please feel free to post your comments & thoughts for others to see]

[The Kimster]

Thank you Mr. Berg. This is very powerful and moved me deeply. I am left speechless right now, but will have more thoughts to share soon. Thank you again.

[crfjedi393]

Most of you know I am a letter carrier. 25 years of walking up on family's porches, seeing children born, divorces, retirement, death, etc, gives me that unique opportunity to "see" the multitude of highs and lows in many people's lives. The death of a child seems to be the lowest of lows. Many people never get over it. And I mean NEVER. Years and years of misery fill what's left of their lives.
Mr. Berg, one of the things I respect about you most is your attempt to move on: your desire to "take the next step" in hopes that the knowledge gained will result in wisdom that helps others. You have already done that more than you know. And here you are trying to increase your ability to do so.
All I can say is, you set an excellent example for the rest of us!

And one last thing. Your post was written with the same open honesty that broke me down when I read your letter to Garrett on TT. Thank you.

[mxmama393]

Mr Berg you and your family are so amazing and you have such a special way with words.

I am so honored to have met all of you.

You help bring me closer to my family more than you could ever know, thank you!

[VAL]

Mr. Berg,

You are in many ways a Rabbi ( teacher) to many of us.

Thank you

[Dirtbikindad393]

Mr. Berg,

I have grown in the last 4 years and I now know why its because you have grown in the last 4 years. As you continue to grow and expand I too will continue to grow and expand. You are a as Val says a Rabbi (Teacher) to all of us who know you. I am always amazed at how you are able to open up many thoughts from inside and share them with us the outside. It now makes sense as to why you do that and how you do that.

I am truely sorry I could not be there this year but now I look forward to next year that much more. I miss not seeing Shannon and Suzette and all of the regulars as well as the adventures we experience on the road to get there. I miss all the hugs and laughter and criticism about my riding ability my so called friends give me.

I like many here, soak in the things you share and that gives us more wisdom as we grow and helps us in our everyday lives deal with others and situations that arise in our lives. So please accept my deepest heart felt thanks for your expansion and growth shared with us.

THANK YOU,

Dane

[Florida 393]

Mike,
I don't know how you managed that or carry on daily even. I wish I had been there for this one thing of nothing else. Thanks for the post.

Bill

[Macho393]

Ya might think its rude or wrong, but I'm kind of happy I missed it this year.
This was my 1st one to miss. I have really enjoyed reading the replys in all the post. I think more this year than other years. Lawdoggie and Easy E, have really impressed me............without trying to impress me. The "LAWDOG" has become a different man from my eyes.
I really hate I missed Matt, the pics of him on Garretts bike.........touched my heart. The tree will leave you broken, I understand Easy E.
Some may say its not about the ride.But for me, its always been about the ride.
So whoever is reading this, next October 2009 come put on your helmet and gear,meet some fine folks. Watch and listen real close and you too will understand what I mean about the ride.
It all started for me with the letter to Garrett.

[Satch0922]

Mr. Berg,

As usual, your open honest sharing with those here at ATM really make a difference in a lot of people's lives. The Berg family took a very painful and personal loss and turned it into something that has had a positive impact on others.

As a parent, it is very easy to get caught up in the daily grind of life and loose focus on what is important, our family and friends. My family has benefited through your willingness to share and help us learn from your tragedy. My kids, especially my son Kyle know who Garrett is, they understand how fragile life can be and most importantly, remembering Garrett helps a refocus our lives quite often. We are closer as a result.

Thank you for all that you do and all that you share with your ATM family. I am saddened that we missed the event this year. You never know, next year we maybe there and actually ride!