GMB VII...through my eyes

[yzernie]

I have thought about this writing for a few days and whether I should or should not post it up. I’m not always very comfortable about sharing my inner most feelings on a message board. I tend to hold those things most personal to me within the depths of my inner sanctum. At the risk of being curt, I don’t expect all of you to understand my mentality but those who really know me will completely understand this logic. I guess when it comes to sharing our experiences and sometimes our feelings of vulnerability we are all different in our own ways.

This years GMB was my 3rd. Like others have said, I have become more comfortable with the weekend as every year passes. This year, by far, had the biggest swings of emotions for me than previous years. That is good though as I came to realize that my fondness for the first weekend of October makes the highs of the weekend that much better.

As the days led up to the GMB weekend I felt somewhat guilty attending this year’s event. We had a donkey that was ready to foal, another 4 month old foal that we had just started to work with and get her broke, 5 other equine that needed to be fed twice a day and cleaned up after, being gone in the heart of the fire season and no telling what else would happen. Work has been off the hook busy and I had to leave one of my men in charge which took away from his ability to do his job. I was going to be gone for 5 days leaving Cherie to fend for herself around the Tin Star Compound while I was 1800 miles away having fun and I felt a little bit guilty about that. Justified?...maybe not to some.

I landed at the Bush on Thursday and get out of the airport around noon. I meet up with George, Jim, Kim and Char for lunch. It was a very nice start to the GMB weekend. I was really looking forward to Thursday evening when the ol’ guys, Mr. Berg, Howard, Dave, Mr. Bazzy, George and myself, got together for some fellowship and socializing. To me, there is a special bond between this weekend and my being a father to two sons. The personal time us ol’ guys all spent together and getting to know each other better was a special experience for me and I really appreciated the time we had together. The fine cigars and adult beverages were pretty darned good too.

Friday was a pretty reel-laxing for me. Jim, Kim and George went to Three Palms to go ride and I met the bunny man, Char and Robbie for lunch. We had a fantastic time socializing and laughing it up. It was nice to get to know all of them a little bit better. Besides Keith confusing the waitress beyond belief with his “balls” order (crab balls) it was a great start to the Friday activities. After lunch I went back to the hotel and took a little nap as I was still feeling worn out from a loooong Thursday.

Friday evening the Berg’s once again opened their home to anyone who wished to attend. I finally got to meet a man that Mike has told me about many times…Matt Sandt. He has served our country in combat (twice) and humbly continues on with his life. Matt is a perfect example of friend who anyone would want to have and Garrett was very lucky. We all shared some fellowship and some laughs all the while having in our minds that the weekend was dedicated to the memory of the Berg’s lost son. Such a sobering time yet the laughs and smiles easily surfaced. Some of the best moments of the evening were some private words Mike and I shared. George and I got lost on the way back to the hotel but found our way and had a nice ‘scenic’ view of Houston on the way!!

Saturday breakfast and then off to the track. It was nice to see everyone that I hadn’t already seen and to rekindle friendships that were made from previous years. I had no intentions of riding over the weekend but many people (even Sam) offered me their bikes and gear to wear. Since I took a good digger at last years GMB’s mud fest, I had not ridden during the last year. I was able to resist the urge to ride for a couple hours but the thought of making my return to the saddle at GMB overtook my previous thoughts. Keeto was kind enough to allow me to use some of his gear including his BRAND NEW Bell helmet, socks from Tina and boots and bikes from Daniel, Char and George. I took out the mighty YZ144 and I felt uneasy at first. As I cruised around I gradually increased my speed and after a few laps I felt like I had got some of my moto legs back. I was able to gradually pick it up and I finally felt like I belonged on the track. I’m pretty big for a little bike but I have to admit that YZ144 has to be in the top 3 of the most fun bikes I have ever ridden.

As the day went on I saw Mike and he asked me if I wanted to ride Garrett’s bike. I told Mike I was honored that he would ask me if I wanted to ride the bike but I respectfully declined. I explained to him that I do not feel I am worthy of occupying the controls of that bike because I hold Garrett and his accomplishments up on a pedestal like a God and I am a mere mortal. It was very difficult for me to decline the ride as I know Mike does not allow just anyone to grace the seat of his son’s Yamaha and I didn’t want to feel as though I was disappointing him. He placed my mind at ease and that was very comforting to me.

A little later I saw Mike heading back from Garrett’s headstone. I met him several yards from there and confided in him that in the previous years I had never been to ‘that place’. I couldn’t explain to him exactly why other than I have a wide range of mixed emotions. I tried to explain that I felt as though I was invading the place that was laced with such emotion, the very place where held his very own son as he passed from this earth. Also that seeing Garrett’s headstone would take me back to that day in 1981 when my father passed away and all of the emotion associated with that part of my life. I know, it may see odd to some but to some it may make sense. Mike walked with me to the headstone and that made me more comfortable. I remembered the stories Mike had told me of the day Garrett passed away. The helpless feeling you have when you watch a loved ones life slipping away from you is indescribable. There is much more to it but that is between Mike and me. I said a quick prayer and as many traditional Catholics do, I made the sign of the cross on the headstone….darn rain. I feel so bad for the Berg family and I realize that every parent/child relationship cannot be as close as he and Garrett’s were. That has to make it all so much tougher for him.
The rain stopped and I eventually went back out on the track with a clearer mind…if that makes sense. I stepped up the pace a bit and after a couple laps at speed, with my tongue hanging in the front spokes, I realized that after a year of not riding I am pathetically out of shape. I was having so much fun on that YZ144 I didn’t want to come off the track. I rode for a while longer and as my tongue was getting beaten around in the spokes like a baseball card on a bicycle I decided I had to come in.

Saturday evening at Howard and Donna’s home was the usual fine food and socializing. The football game in the back yard was fun to watch and I’m still surprised Jim didn’t break something while playing!! The turnout was lower than normal and the gathering broke up a bit earlier than usual. George and I headed back to the hotel to get a decent night’s sleep. We spoke of being anxious for the morning at the track as we both knew what was in store. George ended up working on the photos he took earlier in the day and even though I laid on the bed watching TV I couldn’t get to sleep. It was late but I finally passed out!!

Sunday morning at the track started a little differently for me. I have been used to pulling in with Dane and the trailer, finding a spot to park and working hard to get the trailer full of bikes and gear unloaded. This year I was in a rental car with nothing to unload but my happy butt out of the car. Since I had ridden on Saturday I wasn’t going to race on Sunday. Well, after I went and hung on the fence for a few minutes it didn’t work out that way. The riders meeting had its share of emotion. I had forgotten that Mr. Berg had added my friend Fred Kalmick to 'the list'. I got all chocked up.

Doc offered me his factory Sinnis Racing YZ250 and I graciously accepted. The bike felt great during practice and Doc should be proud of the ‘bling machine’!! During practice I had a front row seat to Jim’s crash. When I got to him he had little birdies flying around his helmet but he was able to talk to me and that made feel a lot better. I could tell he was hurting so we took a couple minutes for him to get his senses back (what is left of them) and I walked with him back to the pits where Kim and Daniel took him, once again, to the hospital in Kingwood. I rode both 50+ motos and one of the ATM/TT motos and I was done. After not riding for a year and then riding two days in a row my hands felt like hammered road kill. I decided that skipping the 2nd ATM/TT moto and just hanging out and socializing was the prudent way to go.

Sunday evening was the annual Sunday dinner at the Saltgrass with Daniel, Char and family. This year we were joined by Mr. Berg, George (who was supposed to be on his way back to Indiana), David, Tina, Howard, Howard’s friend (sorry, forgot his name) and eventually Jim and Kim. Jim was in a medically induce haze and it was pretty funny to watch him…guess you had to be there to appreciate it!! A great meal, more laughter and socializing and it was finally time to part ways. We all gave our handshakes, hugs and said our goodbyes. It was a fitting conclusion to a fantastic weekend. For me it was a bittersweet end to the weekend yet I am thankful we all got to participate in the memorial weekend for Garrett.

Each year in my planning to come to this event I get asked by friends and coworkers why I would travel so far for a weekend. I simply tell them it is difficult to explain and they would have to experience it to understand.

I apologize for becoming long winded with this but thanks for allowing me to share some of my personal experiences with you. May God bless you all and Godspeed Garrett.

[Dirtbikindad393]

Thank you Ernie for sharing your thoughts. I more than most can understand some of your thoughts and views and I truely understand them. I hope we are able to make the roady to GMB VIII in 2009. I am very sorry that I missed this one.

[crfjedi393]

I understand everything you said, E.

[b-bike393]

Ernie,

I thank you for taking the time to put your thoughts together and post em up. I, as others here on ATM get a much better look into the man we have come to love in many way and on many levels.

[MotoMan]

Originally Posted by crfjedi393

I understand everything you said, E.

Thats says it best. X2 E.

[Keetoman393]

You're a good man, E. Very nice write up!

[char393]

E, I know it took a lot for you to share that.

Thank you for giving us your perspective.

[DRGSin393]

Well said E. Thanks for the insight. I know all too well how difficult it can be.

[Motodad393]

Ernie,

Thank you for the "heart felt" response and comments you made. There are many who I am quite confident can relate to you perfectly! It takes courage and openness to choose to write from the heart and I firmly believe that it provides personal growth and satisfaction in the truest sense of the word. To me "words" are like bullets, once you speak them they cannot be recalled. They usually inflict harm, or they may have a positive impact on others and on us. Like Willie Nelson said in his song, something along the lines 'forgiving you is easy, but forgetting seems to take the longest time.'

For a long time time I built walls around my heart. I did this primarily for self preservation against experiences in my youth that need not be exposed here. I shared some of them with you before and no doubt will do again as time goes forward.

As time went on for me I noticed I hurt people, but more importantly [at that time] I was unknowing hurting and restricting myself and hindering my personal growth. What I mean is that while the wall I built around me heart protected me - it also prevented me from experiencing "love" in many ways. When I decided to take these walls down, I exposed myself to the potential to be hurt - yet again. During this period of my life I believed that men were not allowed to hurt and that I had to maintain a "bravado" type perception to display to those around me. For me it was the "tough guy" image. In retrospect, it was actually self protection in the worst sense.

Sure lowering these walls hurt me at times, but yet I was able to discover "love" not in definition, but in actuality through experience.

Thanks for being "Ernie!" Your a good man.

[yzernie]

Mike,
I appreciate what you have said...thank you!! I place a lot of consideration and thought in your words. I know what you write is well thought out and also written with complete commitment.

It isn't my nature to expose those things closest to me. It isn't anything like me trying to be a tough guy, to show any weakness, to show any emotion or anything along those lines. While I do possess those personalities, they stay in my locker when I leave work. More importantly (to me) is my parents raised me to keep my most personal feelings within my inner sanctum. I share my feelings with only those I feel I can trust.

Ya know, I've retyped this thing 4 different times and I just can't seem to get the words to come together the way I want them to. Please, no one take any offense by what I have said.

[Motodad393]

No offense taken Ernie. I cherish our friendship and appreciate your honesty. I look so forward to "chatting" again with adult beverages of our choice!

If I had your qualities, I could have done the profession that many of my Army buddies wanted me to do and one that still has a "special place" in my heart. I could not do what you excel at. There is part of me that wishes I could - we would have that much more in common! This world needs more Ernies in many more ways than one!

As I tell Matt, "watch your top notch" partner.

Originally Posted by yzernie

Mike,
I appreciate what you have said...thank you!! I place a lot of consideration and thought in your words. I know what you write is well thought out and also written with complete commitment.

It isn't my nature to expose those things closest to me. It isn't anything like me trying to be a tough guy, to show any weakness, to show any emotion or anything along those lines. While I do possess those personalities, they stay in my locker when I leave work. More importantly (to me) is my parents raised me to keep my most personal feelings within my inner sanctum. I share my feelings with only those I feel I can trust.

Ya know, I've retyped this thing 4 different times and I just can't seem to get the words to come together the way I want them to. Please, no one take any offense by what I have said.

[yzernie]

Thanks Mike. I knew you could read what I wrote and decipher what I meant to say. I truly enjoy the friendships I have made from this site. The time we ol' guys spent together this GMB meant a lot to me. I especially enjoyed the one on one conversations we had. I learn from you every time we speak. It is a very real example of Garrett's legacy at work. If it wasn't for that danged humidity...oh, and the hurricanes...I might consider Houston a very neat place to retire.

I would really like for you to meet Russ one of these days. I am hoping that one of these years he will be able to swindle a few days off to be able to attend a GMB. I'm sure he would 'get it' too.