"Mourning Reflections - An Endless Journey"

[Motodad393]

This post contains the on-going journal of my most personal thoughts about "life" after loosing a child. It began in 2002 after my sons death and continues to this day. It is my hope that these thoughts help others and especially those whom find themself in "the club that needs no members - parents who lose a child." Perhaps this gives a portion back to a community that gave so much to me and my family in the "darkest hours" imaginable - "The Brotherhood, a Family of People Whom Ride Offroad Motorcyles!"

“Mourning Reflections – An Endless Journey”

December 16, 2002 - Monday
It has been 13 weeks and 1 day since my Son died. I miss him more than imaginable. How does one go on with half a heart? I cherish the memories and thank G_d there are many and they are good!

Many times I try and describe how I feel inside - but there are no words. Endless tears - never ending tears. I have been angry, but I know not at what, or whom. I know it is not G_d or Garrett! The emptiness - the reality and the magnitude of our loss. Oh to have that 'one armed hug and hear - "love ya Dad" Tis not to be. Now time just passes. How does one heal?

I suspect I will learn to "live with the loss." Often times I will see a Dad and his son, with red hair and freckles and I wonder if the Dad really understands just how "special" his son is? The first time this happened to me I was in a Walmart and I began to cry, then weep and then I left the store! In retrospect, I never stopped and really understood just how fragile Life really is.

Initially one operates on instinct - pure gut response. Time - they say it heals. Doubtful! I sure hope it gets easier. When I ride his YZ450 I long for those 'moments in the saddle' where I actually feel his presence! G_d I wish I could capture and bottle that feeling! The tears seem not to blurr the vision. I long to hear his voice inside!

The agony of a Mothers grief – can't go there! I doubt that time will help - oh for that next moment "in the saddle." I sure hope people understand during this holiday season - if you have your family, you have it all! It simply does not get any better.

Garrett's Grandmother made a real nice evergreen cover with red ribbons to cover his grave. Flowers still bloom and those red holiday flowers. I took his bike to the grave yesterday after I rode. I suspect he enjoyed having it there. Stopped short of starting it - next time - I don't know.

I am proud of my Son! He helped alot of people. The Memorial Race was incredibly awesome - yet painful. I long to see the people again, you know who you are - you see, you feel the same way. Soon - we will ride together!

Sleep - oh for the 'right' dream. The trauma room hard to forget, the people their faces - damn! Reliving the scenes helpful or hindrance? Time will tell.

G_d I wish I could see the stars from Houston. Mabey sometime this winter. I miss my Son, my Friend, the 'Little Man' the agony...... draws on. Oh well - looking for that Dream!

December 20, 2002 Friday Early AM - ready for bed!
Today was unique in a weird sort of way. I received a call from the Harris County Medical Examiners Office - the long awaited state required Autopsy report was finally done. Hell, it has only been 14 weeks and 5 days - what's the rush? I picked up the report- hard to do, broke down big time.

Went and had a few beers with Mr. B. after work. Not something I normally do - real desire here.

The cause of death read, "Blunt Impact Trauma to the Chest." Manner of death - Accident. I already knew this. I wondered of any injuries I may not be aware of. Tough memories hurt bad - cried alot. The only suprise was the last sentence in the Cardiovascular System Section: it read "All major branches of the aorta with regard to the intercostal branches and the lower thoracic portion are lacerated and show hemorrhage into the subpleural space."
To me this means that the branches from the aorta area simply split on impact. He could not have survived if we had been next store to a Trauma Hospital! Now I know why our CPR did not work!

The next interesting portion is: Musculoskeletal System - the comments read, "The general musculature is normally formed. There are the following fractures; left clavicle, right ribs 1 and 2 and 5 through 12, and left ribs 1 and 10 and 11, right femur. There is complete transection of the thoracic spine at T10-T11."

G_d is truly merciful and allowed Garrett not to suffer too much. I am glad I got to hear his last word, "Dad, it hurts." My reply was, "I know Son, hang in there Little Man! I Love You." Then I kissed him.

Feel drained now. Time to get some sleep - I hope! G_d I miss him. I Love My Son!!!!!!

December 21, 2002 - Saturday morning
Last night I watched 20/20 and Charleton Heston was interviewed. He now has Alzheimer’s- the very disease that claimed my Dad. A comment he made sticks deep in my gut and "rings of much truth", "those things that cannot be defeated, must be endured!" Seems simple, yet challenging - a reminder of the fleshly finality of death. One must simply endure - simple to say, yet a process that appears to have no end! Reminds me of the clip from Platoon - "Take the Pain - Take the Pain " - then silence!

Seem to feel a bit stronger today! Shed many a tear last night. A Mothers grief - feel so helpless. I wish I could take her pain. She knows I am there for her. Hard to watch!

Why am I "sharing" some of my feelings on Thumpertalk? Perhaps, someone will be helped or receive closure for the "reality of their cyberloss" and the finality of death will visit all of us sometime during our 'fleshly existence' on earth. Hopefully, those whom mourn my son's passing will find comfort. TT has given so much to my family, especially during the past 13 weeks and 6 days.

Garrett "Motoman393" spent a tremendous amount of time here - it was his refuge. Interesting, yet not suprizingly it too provides a refuge for me! I miss my Son!!!!

Gonna ride the 450 tomorrow. Think I will go to Splendora. Some of the guys from Texas Yamaha will be there. One of them will 'exercise' Garrett's 426! Time to go do a bit of maintenance on the 450 - oil change. Spend time in the 'garage." More than likely go to visit Garrett!

December 23, 2002 - Monday
I rode yesterday - felt good. Missed Garrett. Cleaned the bikes and oiled the chains. Major emotional roller coaster last night - tears from no where - immensely missing my Son, yet very grateful for Shannon and Suzette. Intense internal emotional rumblings damn hard to figure out! I feel like a 'loaded gun' ready to fire at first pulse - not normal to be cocked and ready to explode. Will see Garrett's Granny and Paw Paw during the next 48 hours - first time since the funeral. Glad he had such fine people in his life.

Slowly reading a book called "Ghost Rider" by Neil Peart the drummer from Rush. Never listened to his music, but I like his writing style. He lost his daughter and wife within a year of each other and took a 14 month 55,000 mile ride on his BMW. Thus far I can relate. I like his writing. I would love to be able to do such a journey - damn!

Heard from the TT brothers in the past couple days - always warms my heart! I sure appreciate all the prayers, thoughts and comments. Sometime when time permits look to the stars and tell my son hello. I will be looking for the stars for the next few nights! G_d I miss my Son! Hug your kids - Later!

December 27, 2002 - Friday
I remain "numb" yet vividly aware of how quick my world changed! From 'self perceived perfection' to 'the ultimate pain - being part of a club that wants no members - parents who buried children." Dammit all!

Saw Tyler, Regina and met Jordan on December 24 - truly a blessing. Jordan is as pretty as her mother! Shannon picked that time (with the Guidice's) to give us a "Very Special" gift - she gave Suzette and I matching silver rings engraved on top with "Garrett Michael" and each of us has a special message relevant to our Son on the inside. Totally blew me away - needless to say it was a real emotional and special time. Shannon is very perceptive and picked the time with a special TT family - that's my Girl!

I hope that 2003 will be a year of "Light!" It is said that spiritual Light follows periods of extreme darkness - damn I hope so. Just thinking how awesome it would be if Tim Ferry won the Title in 2003! Garrett would be "roostin & celebrating from the heavens.

Time - Time they say can be our friend, yet can serve as an enemy too! Thoughts in the darkness and the silence of a grieving Mother - damn I feel so helpless! I often wonder if one can die from a broken heart. Gotta think of my Son at times like this - "be strong Dad - Mom and Shannon need you!"

Rode today at Splendora. Looked at the tree - the ground where I held my Son and "knew inside" he was passing. G_d I miss him. Time, yes Time - Friend or Foe? How does one heal from a loss like this? Oh to hear his voice again! I MISS MY SON!!!!

December 28, 2002 - Saturday [PM]
Visited Garrett today. Watched Mrs. Doubtfire tonight with my wife. Made us remember when she made Garrett a costume and he dressed up as Mrs. Doubtfire for Halloween. No one knew who he was and he thought that was so cool! He was so excited. Good memories - G_d I wish he was still alive!

I keep remembering the accident at the track - memories come out of nowhere. Happens way too often. Unbelievably vivid. Inside I hear our last conversation again and again. I visualize the looks on his face as he was dying, the mouth to mouth and sounds of CPR. Damn! Suzette remembers the looks on Shannon’s face and mine when we told her at Herman. Hardest thing I ever had to do! I wonder if, or when will "it" get easier! I don't like being a member in this club. Hurts! I MISS MY SON!

December 29, 2002 - Sunday
Had a good day, spent time with Shannon at a pro-football game with a customer [nice guy] and his son. Looking up through the top of the new Reliant Stadium I kept wondering if Garrett was watching - had to change my thought train so I would not tear up. I am so glad for Shannon, a special girl! She is the 'apple of my eye!"

Life now is such a roller coaster - the kind you can't get off of and do not enjoy riding! The "numbness" that comes from no where - tears, my G_d the tears. Much of the time I am in internal, excruciating agony. A stiff drink and Tylenol PM seem to be the only relief - temporary! Middle of the night darkness, emptiness - pain - I hate this feeling. I guess I will adjust - when? It HURTS deep inside. Reminds me of a "road that leads no where!" Glad for work to occupy the mind. I must refocus, but how? G_d I miss my Son! Now I pray that Shannon will out live me - every night!

A thought that horrifies me is that other parents will become a member of the damned club and I can do nothing about it! How I wish I could stop other parents from having to ride this f___ing roller coaster! This pain makes physical pain feel refreshing! Hug your kids and thank G_d you can.

January 3, 2003 - Friday
Glad to see this weekend. Monday and Tuesday were days from hell! Worst ones since he died. Really hard to describe how I have been feeling until I read something in "Ghost Rider" - man did I relate; it said, "my survival remains an act of pure will. Holding myself together like a soldier wounded in battle, and feel that I could collapse from within at anytime. No peace anywhere, no redemption imaginable. Just a sense of waiting, killing time. Waiting for what? For time to pass, I guess. Can there be no healing? Don't think so. Only strive to minimize scars. Not get too twisted, crippled inside." This is a perfect description of how I feel inside - "Phantom Pain hurting for a piece of you that has been TORN away!" Prophetic in my emotionally distorted opinion! Temporary relief to finally be able to read a description of how I feel inside, yet unable to verbalize.

Appear to be a bit stronger today - still afraid of those "Tears from Nowhere" they are often brutal, yet necessary. Some internal peace on the eve of Shabbat!

Looking forward to riding this weekend - hopefully two days! I have the urge for that "Thumpin Feeling!" It is like Garrett is waiting in the garage for me - Oh how I wish that could be! Shabbat Shalom!

January 8, 2003 – Wednesday
Began the day with tears and thoughts of my Son. I sure miss him. Glad I rode two days this past weekend, it was like cleaning out the ‘mental and emotional toilet.’ Sometimes I feel like I am imploding. I remain amazed, yet fearful of how emotionally drained I can become in this process of “trying to define what is normal, since what was normal will never be!” I am now convinced that time will NOT heal all wounds, but rather one adjusts to constant pain. My Son will never be forgotten in my mind. Along with G_d, Garrett is my first and last thought each day – even during the darkness of the night. Those damn silent, dark moments! Instinctively I direct my thoughts to Shannon - helps me re-focus and warm what is left of my heart. She is so special!

Actually slept well last night. First time in a while. Almost forgot how it feels to physically “feel rested.” Still have nagging pains in my right heal Achilles area and virtually no soreness from my “YZ Weekend Quest” for mental sanity! Thank goodness for some temporary mental relief.

A Mother grief fuels my feeling of helplessness. It is so difficult to watch your ‘soul mate’ endure this ‘hell on earth.’ We are there for each other – tears and hugs in the dark hours, waiting the dawn! Each of us strains to hear the other’s sleeping sounds. They actually bring comfort – I know she is finally resting.

Life is now a process of “accepting and living with the pain” – I doubt there can be healing! Life now feels like an endless process of surviving 1440 minutes over and over and over – until time matters no more!

January 10, 2003 - Friday
Today has been a bit easier. Feeling guarded for I know how it is to be emotionally blind-sided. Had a decent day at work – got to talk about value with a customer that treats us well. Unusual these days! Many thought of Garrett during the day. It has been 15 weeks and 5 days. I know it is real, but I do not like accepting it – the death and all its finality.

Worked on the YZ 450 tonight, changed the oil and listened to Garrett’s garage stereo. Man to hear his voice again – just to hear “hey Dad.” Fortunately we have some messages he left his Mom on the phone. Thanks John for helping us to save them. I sure like to ride and enjoy working on his bike, guess it make me feel closer to him.

Suzette is having a rough day. I walked in and saw “that look” I have grown to dread. To me it means that I cannot do anything to help her. Hard to watch the anguish of a Mother – that in and of itself is a real drain. Recently, it has been all I could do to pull, and keep myself out of that bottomless emotional funk, that internal implosion leading to self-destruction. The battle to avoid and beat depression.

I like the weekends for rest, but the mind can wander. I hope to ride on Sunday to hold the mental gain – try to move forward. Shannon is going to the movies with a friend tonight just glad it is a girl. Still dreading the days when the “boys” start hanging around like a stray dog in heat.

I went by Texas Yamaha three times this week and I ordered new graphics for Garrett’s bike and a Dunlop 756 for the front. I like the way that tire corners and hangs in the sand. I am sure the stock one would do, but I never know when Garrett may help me ride. Better go check on my wife.

January 12, 2003 – Sunday
Suzette and I both woke up with tears yesterday. It just seems so empty without our Son. Some days each step can be a chore. Raining and cold in Houston today, actually has been going all night – drizzle if you will an annoying, irritating type rain. All the MX tracks are closed. I will probably wash the bike and wear a raincoat, crazy huh? Have the fire place going, an internal search for some warmth if you will.

Just got through looking at some pictures of Garrett’s first and only race. He had such a smile for winning his trophy. I restricted his official racing, I did not want him to get hurt – imagine that! Suzette has been crying a lot today and of course it wears off on me. I wish I could take her pain – hard to imagine that my Son will never come home again. I miss my Son. I want him back so badly – I know it is not to be. Emotionally speaking our life constantly remains just “one small step” from the bottom. Before you know it you can be crying uncontrollably. I must go and try and do something to pull me up.

Never did get the bikes washed today, but I sure thought about it. Matt came over this afternoon and spent a few hours with us. It sure is good to have my adopted Son around. A good afternoon talking and watching a movie. We watched the Windtalkers – damn fine show. It was about the role the Navajo Indians played in Saipan during the WWII in the Pacific using their language to confuse the Japanese. A scene at the end of the movie just nailed me. Nicolas Gage had serious internal bleeding, chest wounds and began to bleed through the mouth – next thing you know I was back with Garrett at Splendora on September 22, 2002. I watched my Son bleed through his mouth as I cleared the airway and gave him mouth to mouth. Reliving that hell all over again. I suspect it will not be the last time I “replay” that scene! Emotionally drained – how I feel. Still damn glad I got to spend quality time with Matt.

Time for bed now. Must try and prepare for another 1440 minutes. I hope I can hear my wife sleep – that has become a sweet and comforting sound.

January 19, 2003 - Sunday
The past few days have been better. It feels like a ‘short reprieve’ from the “roller coaster ride” now known as life. There has been a lot of activity around the house – working on and washing the bikes. Suzette made a bunch of chili and many people stopped by Friday night. I bought new graphics and Matt put them Garrett’s YZ450. They look awesome; a perfect installation of Yamaha’s upgraded 450 graphics with yellow, black, white, and blue colors. It “ties” the color scheme together that Garrett had begun on the bike – yellow backgrounds/black numbers.

A large group of us are going to ride in Splendora today – should be a good time. Jack Frost came in a big way last night and frosted the yard, cars, and trailer. It made me smile to see Maggie try and drink from the frozen surface of the water bucket. She doesn’t quite know what to make of it. I wonder how come the tongue of a dog does not stick to the ice, like a human tongue does. Oh such simple thoughts of the morning that occupy my psychic. The weather has been below freezing the past three nights, but the high today should be low 60’s – perfect for riding. Nothing quite like the sound of four strokes ripping through the woods to stimulate the mind of a ‘dirt rider.’

Was a good day at the track. They ran scheduled practices because there were so many riders there. Matt rode for the first time since his accident. He rode real well and used good judgement. Shannon went to the track today and we took Moose – she also rode her BW80, which she has outgrown long ago. Shannon and I had some “special moments” at the tree – remembering Garrett. It was good to have her with me today! She tries to stay strong for her Mom and me. She is my “special girl!” Time for bed.

January 21, 2003 – Tuesday
All day yesterday I thought of Suzette and the coming birthday. She will have ‘that day’ this week and I remember mine, a couple months after Garrett’s passing. The pain and memories brought many tears and sorrow. A helpless feeling, awaiting that proverbial mental collapse from within. I wanted no ‘wishes’ or anything – she has told me the same. The natural thing was to remember Garrett and how he treated us on those annual events – both he and Shannon made us feel so “special” – Oh to have that one armed hug and hear “love you Dad!”

Did not sleep much last night. One of those tossing and turning nights with those “aggressive roll-overs” followed by deep sighs in the darkness. I have been remembering a conversation with a good friend about grieving and dealing with a loss. He said it was a process developing a mutual respect for the “dark side” that comes and knocks us to the ground. In my mind I imagine a wrestling match where two opponents with a “health respect” for each other slowly circle on the mat – looking for that precise moment to execute the ‘perfect takedown.” Thus far, the “dark side” always scores the two points and each time I narrowly escape “the pin.” Time to prepare for work.

We went to a Compassionate Friends meeting tonight. It seemed to help. This is a national organization of people whom have children that have died. It hurt to see other parents whom are grieving for their children – yet I sensed a feeling of ‘oneness’ in the room amongst so much emotional pain. There would be no way to endure this “reality” without a relationship with the Almighty G_d of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

January 25, 2003 – Saturday
I awoke this morning and as usual checked email, and went on line. Unexpectedly, there they were – the ‘core group’ was checking who was on line. Once again, we all met in cyberspace. Many of the men from the memorial race have become extremely close. We have bonded together in a very special way, resulting in a group known as “The Band of Brothers 393” in honor of Garrett. As I reflect back I am humbled, and simply amazed at how a young man of seventeen had such a positive impact on so many. I say this not with arrogance, but with an immense and humble pride in my son. As parents, we tried to give him the best guidance and direction we could; however, in the end it was his decisions and actions that reflected his true character. As I have said, “you did it right Son, you did it right!”

I am trying to make a deal and trade in the Mustang that Garrett drove. I will not be a good financial decision for me, but I want it gone. I looked at Toyota Tacoma trucks – I so wanted to get one and fulfill a dream of Garrett’s to have one, post mortem if you will. For the price, the Tacoma simply is not big enough for me. I hope Garrett understands. I am looking at the Tundra – if they make the right deal.

Went to visit Garrett’s grave with Suzette. It is so hard to visit the grave – many tears and very painful. It is emotionally draining. On the other hand “something” calls me there and I am glad it does. I know it makes no sense, but I have learned that “life” sometimes makes no sense! No parent should ever have to bury one of there children. Suzette mentioned hearing a bunch of finches each time she visits Garrett. I often see the birds, but do not usually hear them – the result of machine guns, hand grenades and years of listening to rock n roll. The cemetery has a feeling of ‘distinction’ if you will. Many of the graves go back to the Civil War and sadly other graves document all the wars since. Very near Garrett’s grave lies a Jewish man, a Marine whom was killed in the latter part of Viet Nam [1974]. A Star of David is displayed on his head stone. I found his grave after we buried our Son – strangely enough I receive some comfort from this and feel honored to have him lay by Garrett. From the scriptural perspective they are “the seed, and/or scattered seed of Israel” awaiting the ingathering of the exiles at the end of days. This is when I will again be with Garrett. I too anxiously wait – fully realizing I have no control over this timeline.

At times it can be so difficult to put one foot in front of the other – to simply move on! I am so thankful for Suzette and Shannon. Garrett’s unexpected death has drawn us closer than I ever dreamt, yet fear and realization of how quickly “life” can change has brought forth an acute awareness of reality – “what is and can be.” I no longer take ‘anything’ for granted and deep inside cherish events that become good memories. The old cliché “take time and smell the roses” brings warmth to what is left of my heart; in retrospect I am damn glad I did. Never did I expect to “experience” the legacy of my Son; I assumed that he would "experience" mine - if I left one! I miss him so much!

January 29, 2003 – Wednesday
Awoke with many thoughts of Garrett today. It has been 18 weeks and 3 days. G_d I miss my son. This is one of those days when one looks forward to the shower – hope to wash away some of the pain. Thus far today the tears are abundant. Trying to shake this “feeling” and remember the life and not the death! There is a part of me that “hates” death, even though it was merciful to Garrett. In the fleshly sense – I feel robbed by reality. Heading for the shower and hoping for the best.

Thought about Garrett and cried on the way to work. Tried to force myself to think of something else. I remembered Matt’s post about “memories” and how so many things made him think of my son. Like Ghost Rider said, “I was just trying to prevent the collapse from within, minimize the scar tissue – prevent getting too twisted up, crippled inside.” Ever so slowly I became somewhat functional as the morning progressed.

I washed the YZ450 after work and could not resist – started it up and flew around the block. Felt refreshing, but wasn’t near long enough. I kept busy doing “stuff to feel” closer to Garrett, at least in my mind. I am feeling real pissed – feel like I can “explode” without notice; an uneasy internal recklessness if you will. I hate this feeling! Looking for the “weekend” ride. I wonder what “normal” is now.

February 1, 2003 – Saturday
The Space Shuttle Columbia apparently broke apart on ‘re-entry’ into the earth’s atmosphere this morning– dammit; more people just joined “this club!” I feel for the families that will be forever changed by this tragic event! Suzette began crying as she remembered watching the Challenger explosion in 1986 with Garrett – he was too young to remember, but she wasn’t! Weird how those ‘memories’ come out of no where – and cause an emotional deluge. Life is simply not fair – yet we assume it to be.
Why is it that only after a traumatic personal event – do we become aware of how fragile our fleshly life really is? The proverbial “comfort zone” that we humans rely, that often deprives us of “special memories” always experienced through post, introspective reflection! Do not take “life” for granted, for it is truly much more precious than we realize. Cherish the memories, resist the comfort zone – enjoy the beauty of the here and now.

Outside of the national tragedy, this day was restless and slow for me. The memories of Garrett are everywhere, yet the numbness of missing him ever haunting me – in my face, constantly! I fired up the YZ450 and once again flew around the block – unfortunately got the attention of a neighbor. It is a bit loud when the throttle is cracked. I guess what is music to my ears, is noise to others! I suspect Garrett was smiling down from the heavens, possibly winced a bit about the rear tire wear. Can’t wait to ride again tomorrow – looking for the “Four Stroke Feeling!” I have GREAT MEMORIES but G_d I miss my SON!

February 3, 2003 – Monday
Woke up early this morning about 4:15 A.M. and listened to the clock tick for over an hour. Second day in a row that this happened. I lay in the darkness and think of Garrett – such a feeling of emptiness, helplessness and then tears – those infamous tears in the darkness! I wonder deep inside if this really gets easier?

Yesterday was good for me. Matt and I rode at Splendora with about 5 other people from Thumpertalk. I am marginally physically sore and I feel better in my mind. It is amazing what a difference five hours of MX riding can do for my psychic. I have a real busy week ahead of me. We have a big meeting on Thursday and a team of us has been preparing. I hope it goes well. Time for work.

February 9, 2003 – Sunday
It has been 20 weeks since Garrett died. I remember it as clear as the day of his birth, except with painful memories. I still look around our home and seem to wait for him to come home, yet I know it will not be. His room remains the same except for the unsold memorial shirts. His closet still has his ‘scent’ for which I am grateful – yet it remains so painful. Life is so different now. Today is one of those days where I do not like it! There is no “relief” from, or cure for this type of pain.

This past week was real busy at work. Made the week go fast – then the weekend drags on. It has been eight days since I visited his grave. It is so painful to stand over his grave – I wish I was lying there rather than him. It rained today so no riding this weekend. Matt and I drove to Splendora to ride, but it was too muddy. So damp, cold – and the ‘tree’ the one foot space where he hit the tree! Dammit, I miss my son!

Thumpertalk feels different these days. There seems to be so much attacking of other people – moderators step in and ‘lock’ a post. This is fine, but at times it appears so elementary. If we all stopped to realize just how fragile life is, the small stuff would be so insignificant.

I wish I could be more positive today. Looking for a good, hard, deep sleep tonight.

February 12, 2003 – Wednesday
Awoke this morning early. It was hard to get to sleep last night. All during the night in my “sleep” I kept replaying, or subconsciously focusing on Garrett’s accident. In my mind I kept replaying his jump, landing, his line of sight, and his trying to miss the trees. I tossed and turned – restlessly exhaling, like a horse pounding the ground and snorting! A listless feeling inside that I do not understand. I experienced yet another major deluge of tears and sobbing from the darkness. All Suzette can do is hold me. The anxiety of life is beginning to wear me thin – deep on the inside.

Suzette bought a figurine of a boy lying on his back with a puppy on his stomach. He is leaning on a vase. As expected she created a real pretty red flower arrangement, including a little balloon that says, “I Love You!” She made it to put on his grave.

When I got to work this morning, I was gathering boiler samples for analysis and found myself talking out loud to Garrett – crying. I guess it felt good to talk with him, if only I could hear him answer! I just accepted the fact that it was going to be “one of those days” which I had little control of my emotional yearning. The day got busy – thankfully so did I, yet the thought of Garrett never really left.

The forecast for the coming weekend is rain. I am not looking forward to another rainy weekend. I may have to load up and drive somewhere, anywhere to ride. I have to find a way to clear my mind – feel like I am slipping inside myself. Very strange feeling. I miss my Son!

February 17, 2003 – Monday
This past weekend was strange in a myriad of ways, not all bad, nor all good. Saturday was rainy and it got colder as the day went on. The rain did its part in making the day dreary. I thought of my son a lot, his grave and the water in the ditches. Life did and does not seem fair. I have always known this, but at least at this time it has been particularly vivid – down right brutal!

Saturday we had another Sabbath Torah study. Shannon seems to be paying particular attention. I have often wondered how to “teach” her in a manner that she will receive. Hopefully, the Almighty will continue to guide me. Shannon is sure special and my ‘closet of tools’ is not exactly full of experience when it comes to raising a daughter. It would have been helpful to have a sister when I was growing up- but that was not to be.

Since Garrett death I have talked with G_d much, prayed, cried uncontrollably and feel the deepest kind of pain imaginable – beyond description. I have buried both of my parents and that was tough, but even that is “not even close” to burying your child. Since October 28, 1995 I have had a passion for seeking G_d. During the years since, I have enjoyed conducting studies in the Hebrew language and back to English, savoring richness of the Law and the Prophets. I have also been through the Christian New Testament countless times. Why am I telling you this? This past Saturday in mid afternoon, unknowingly I began a ‘study’ and “re-engaged” my deepest passion, digesting the “Word of G_d!” It simply just happened. This was not planned, yet it really seemed to help me. I have sat down many times since Garrett’s death to “study” and simply could not! This felt extremely good and I look forward to completing the study. To me, it is “Light” in the midst of a very dark, long tunnel!

This morning I awoke early. I went into Garrett’s room, looked around and simply broke down. It is hard to explain how you feel when you see those things that made Garrett who he was. Evidence of motocross, Yamaha, computers, childhood, family pictures and down deep you know he will not come home. I am not sure how to deal with reality now. One moment your are high, the next is low. It is hard to describe the loss, pain – knowing that I must go forward. I view this time frame in life now as War – not against evil, but against reality! My perception of War is being surrounded by death an absolute hell that has no visible end. Survival is not guaranteed; in fact, in the darkest of moments death is even taunted. War – Death has no rhyme, or reason.

Once again I sit, reflecting, ending the day the way it started – thinking about my Son and crying! I am thankful for the “Light” this past weekend, yet hate the War, Death and the reality of what now is! Survival is but a “Gift” from G_d. I suspect this “Gift” cannot be fully appreciated or understood until the horror of War - Death fade over a long period of time that I already know can never be forgotten.

February 22, 2003 – Saturday
Today started with the usual fresh ground coffee and thoughts of my son. Later in the morning we watched home videos. We watched early video of Garrett and Matt riding, even had some of me. It was neat to see them. The video went back and forth between Shannon and the dogs and Garrett riding. Oh how that young man loved to ride. There were special moments when Garrett and Shannon were messing with the dogs and hearing Garrett’s voice and watching him was good for Suzette – it nailed me. It just drives home the realization of how much I really lost, yes it is good to see my son, but living with the fact he is dead – just hurts so much! G_d I miss my Son!

I took my refuge in the garage and crying started Garrett’s YZ426 and rode it around the block. I had forgotten how fast and fun that 426 is to ride. I came back and changed the oil and filter and just pampered the bike. I got to thinking about “Machoman 393” and his coming purchase of the YZ426. I got in touch with Ron at Decal Works in California. He is making me some special graphics for the YZ426F and the lower fork guard graphics for the YZ450F. I cannot wait to see how they come out. After dealing with the fine folks at Decal Works I got in touch with North County Yamaha. Garrett used the NCY Graphics for over two years on his YZ426 – they are sending me a set of new NCY graphics for a 2001 YZ426 no charge! I have decided to put the YZ426 back as close to how Garrett had it as I can get it. It will be in perfect shape for Machoman393!

I worked on the YZ450 too – changed the oil/filter and rode it around the block a couple of times. Matt and I are planning on trying to ride tomorrow at 290MX, or Splendora. The folks at Splendora are having some vintage races and we can ride after that. Howard “Big Maico” Lobel will be racing! Riding is my refuge, yet it is not the same without Garrett. The days remain 1440 minutes, one by one.

March 1, 2003 – Saturday [evening]
Been doing a lot of thinking this past week. The kind of reflective thoughts a person has after burying a child. Both Suzette and I try and “pull ourselves up,” but we can unknowingly have adverse effects on each other – all part of “grief recovery!” Grief recovery – that’s an oxymoron, you don’t recovery from something like this – you redefine what is and miss what was. In its own way, watching a mother grieve is almost as bad as the death itself. Suzette said, “it hurts as much now as it did the day he died.” I cannot disagree with her statement.

I had a very close friend tell me that Garrett would want me to move forward and “put it behind us.” While the advice is good, thankfully he is not speaking from personal experience – it is simply easier said than done. Garrett would want us to go forward and we are. Hell it has only been 23 weeks! Often times life is difficult, those little “things” that happen, things people say that triggers emotional memories and the self talk of what was and now is. It is extremely hard to “fill the hole” now existing in my heart! Garrett will forever be with me there, but that offers no comfort to the fleshly reality of the “here and now.” Life for me has forever changed.

It was also gently suggested that I ride now for Garrett, rather than for me. Riding is my refuge and a release for the pain and anxiety that exists in a process known as “Life.” It was mentioned that every time I go to the tree, I relive the accident. To an extent I guess this is partially true. Last Sunday I went to the tree, looked at the ground where I last held Garrett. I did not cry at the tree, I did wish it all had not happened! I left the tree feeling the reality of his death. No doubt riding is definitely different and I miss my Son in an unimaginable way. I personally enjoy riding and every so often, “Garrett rides with me.” When this “feeling happens” it is absolutely unbelievable – both physically and emotionally. The highest of the highs, ultimate euphoric exhilaration! Damn right, in those “Special Moments” I do ride with my Son!

March 17, 2003 – Monday
I traveled to New Jersey on business this past week. It was the first time since the accident that I left my family. I had a chance to go into New York City to visit “ground zero” where the World Trade Centers once stood. I was blown away by the magnitude and the horrific damage caused by those cowardly terrorist bastards. All around there were flowers, pictures and portable memorials established. I witnessed many people crying. I too cried – knowing exactly how they feel. I am “angered and irritated” because I feel this country has forgotten September 11, 2001. The reality of death – the sense of loss is so painful.

The past couple of days have been hard and I currently hurt real badly inside. I feel like I am on the “edge.” I have been thinking about Garrett a lot. I am fearful of his coming birthday in June. I think of the coming Graduation from High School – the Friendswood Class of 2003 – I will miss hearing “Garrett Michael Berg” and watching him proudly walk up and get his diploma. I feel cheated in one way, yet blessed in many others. Just when you think you are getting stronger, you become over whelmed by emotions. It is not a matter of positive thinking; it is a matter of shear survival. I hate being a member of this club – parents who buried children.

Garrett’s best friend Matt will be joining the United States Marine Corp real soon. He is a very fine young man. Matt approached me in early September 2002 and wanted my opinion about joining the Marines. I have told him that I do not want him to join, but that I would support any decision he chooses to make. Below is a poem I wrote especially for Matt. I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing it. I wrote this poem on September 15, 2002 seven days before my Son was killed. I awoke “troubled” at 4:00 A.M. that Sunday morning with deep thoughts of Matt. I wrote this in about 20 minutes and then went riding with Garrett and Matt – unknowingly for the last time.

“Thoughts Within”

From deep within my mental hue I tossed and turned - Awakened by deep thoughts of you. I knew “right then” the moment you asked – the memories from a time long past! And though it surprised not I – My mind wondered, “why Matt why?”

I pondered then of memories past and know inside how long they last. It was my pleasure to Watch you grow – from a boy to the Man I know. I saw the struggles, felt the pain – and Had the privilege to see Oh such Gain!

The strengths you have evade you so – but from within I hope you know that Struggles from your recent past will be but memories that will not last. The Strength you have – buried deep inside, IF enabled will serve as your guide!

You wonder “IF” but you should know – there are no bounds where you cannot go! Your Greatest Strengths within you lie and will serve you well whenever you TRY. It takes much courage to leave the ‘nest’ and willingly take the ultimate test!

Many men before you went – paving the way and Freedom sent! Remember this as you decide and always let your conscious guide. The wind of war now strongly blow – but all your choices can help you Grow!

As surely as the years go past – there is but one thought meant to last. As you peer into the glass, no sadness seen that will not pass – but deeply gaze into your eyes and there you’ll find bright future skies!

As a father I am very grateful that my Son has such a fine friend as Matt. Just as I believe that Garrett is always with me, I too suspect that Garrett will always be with Matt. I am thankful that these two young men gave me the opportunity to be part of their lives. I miss my Son!

March 20, 2002 – Thursday
This week has been tough. I cannot seem to shake this funk I am in. I am missing my Son so bad – it is just hard to describe. I hope it gets easier. There is such a void now in my life, my heart. I constantly am thinking of him. I seem to start sobbing at the most awkward moments. I have good memories, but this is so hard to understand at times. I long to be with my Son! I wish I could just hold him one more time! I feel so emotionally drained. It will be twenty-six weeks this Sunday.

Thankfully I will be riding with some special friends this weekend. I hope to spend a whole day in the saddle of the 450F. Riding seems to help my mind – I suspect I would go crazy if I could not ride. I feel so close to my Son when I ride his bike. I will be taking the 426 and selling it to Mark Golleher “Machoman 393” this weekend. He is a special man whom appreciates the legacy of this bike and for some reason has been drawn to my Son. Mark knew Garrett on line, but never met him in person, yet they ride together regularly. I know it seems strange, but we actually do “ride with Garrett” at times and it is the most incredible feeling in the world!

I wish that these ‘Reflections’ could be more positive, but life is rather challenging these days. It is extremely difficult to “adjust” after you loose a child. I do actually have some good days, but I am experiencing emotions and thoughts I never dreamt possible. Historically, I have always thought I was a fairly tough individual on the inside, yet this – the reality of the magnitude of this loss is intolerable at times. It is simply hard to explain. Life now is a series of 1440 painful minutes, one after the other.

March 25, 2003 – Tuesday
Last weekend was awesome. I went to Muenster, Texas and rode on the Red River with some great guys and a few of the Band of Brothers 393. We had a magnificent time riding and ‘garage racing.’ Man riding at Muenster is really cool – darn near every type of challenge a rider could want. Lots of spaces where one can ‘roll back’ the throttle and let that 4 stroke fly! I will definitely ride Muenster again!

I sold Garrett’s and my ole YZ426F to Mark “Machoman 393” Golleher from Benton, Arkansas. I am honored to have found a person whom appreciates the legacy of this bike. Garrett really developed his talents on this bike and became “One” with his bike. Honestly, this bike has a personality – a distinct “Spiritual Hora” that those whom have ridden it actually feel. I was very proud to watch Mark ride this bike. Garrett was always cleaning and checking the mechanical aspects of this bike. I know of no bike that had more TLC given to it other than this bike. He had the carburetor tuned to perfection, instantaneous response. I tried to put the bike’s appearance as close as I could get it to when Garrett rode it. I had the same type numbers and NCY graphics. The bike looked real good. The events of this past weekend seemed to help me ‘move forward’ – to what ever lies ahead. I thought it would be hard to part with the bike, but instead I was proud to see Mark take ownership and command of this “beast” of a MX bike.

This coming weekend will be the 2003 Houston Supercross in Reliant Stadium. I hope Tim Ferry’s health is doing better. I am keeping him and his family in my prayers. If I am lucky, I will be able to meet the Ferry Family if they come to Houston. Moving forward – another 1440 minutes.

April 2, 2003 – Wednesday
Last Friday night we went to Texas Yamaha and meet the “Team Yamaha” riders and had a super time visiting with all the people who came to meet them. I was asked if Texas Yamaha could put Garrett’s 450 behind the professional racers as they signed autographs – I was honored. It was cool in one way, yet painful in another to have Garrett’s bike on the podium with the pro’s. I know Garrett would have been proud and honored. I was simply missing my Son! I was amazed at how friendly and down to earth the pros were. They took the time to talk and were sincere in there actions. I gave them all T-shirts with Garrett’s picture and had some sent to Tim Ferry and Travis Pastrana.

Saturday I attended the Houston Supercross with Shannon, her friend Rachel, Tyler. We all had pit passes and visited all the booths. It is interesting to see the mechanics work and cater to each of the bikes mechanical needs. The Yamaha Team gave Tyler and me a tour of the semi truck. They have enough parts to build about four complete bikes. Heath Voss #28 who rides a YZ450F gave me a signed jersey – awesome!

The actual Supercross races were fun to watch, especially the 250 main events. Incredible performance by both Chad Reed and Ricky Carmichael. Heath Voss slid out in a corner, or he would have been a force to reckon with. I cried for a time as I thought of my son and how he always loved the Supercross races. Shannon saw I was hurting, so she gave me Garrett’s school I.D. and I wore it on my shirt. Strangely, it seemed to help.

April 6, 2003 – Sunday
Twenty-eight weeks have past since my son died. I visited his grave again late last week, I did not want to but I had to. It hurts so much to stand next to his grave. It remains an emotionally gut wrenching experience. This weekend was long and Suzette is hurting – still feel so damn helpless. Each of us remains the only one who knows exactly what the other is going through. Living seems to be such a struggle.

It rained this afternoon so no riding this weekend. I watched a movie with Matt and Shannon called “We Were Soldiers.” I have seen it many times before; it was one of Garrett’s favorite movies to watch. Hell, I may possibly have written about it before – cannot remember. I found myself thinking as the movie went on how those whom survived the battles would wonder why they lived, and their comrades died! I have often wondered why couldn’t I have died and Garrett lived? Not that I want to die, but if I had a choice it would have been me instead of him. I know G_d doesn’t work that way. People say you have to move forward, yet at times this seems so illusive. I miss my Son!

The highlight of the weekend was taking Shannon driving. She did an excellent job. We went to the High School and I let her drive. She did real well. I even had her park in “Garrett’s parking place.” I am sure he got a kick out of watching his little sister drive. Later this evening I let her drive around the block a couple of times. I remember how it was learn how to drive – such fun. These past couple of days has been 1440 brutal minutes, one right after the other. Does the pain ever ease up?

April 19, 2003 – Saturday
Twenty-nine weeks and six days, I miss my son. It seems like the time drags on and my heart is still shattered. I now know that we will never run out of tears, because they keep coming out of no where. No matter what I do thoughts of Garrett are just fractions of a second away.

Yesterday the three of us went to look for a headstone for Garrett. Talks about an emotional task. I suspect we will look at a family headstone with individual markers. One thing is for sure, it will be a nice one. We are going to purchase one from Kevin McWilliams in Hempstead, Texas. Bobby Boykin and Kevin are the ones whom have donated a memorial marker for Garrett to be set at the track in Splendora where Garrett was killed. Picking a memorial headstone is not something that one would do in life, especially at our ages. At least I know where I will be buried, immediately west of my son. No parent should have to bury one of his or her children.

The three of us went to a wedding tonight for our neighbor’s daughter. It was a pretty wedding and a joyous occasion. This day has been rough for me. At the reception a song from Ann Murray with the lyrics of “think I’m gonna have a son” just nailed me. I remembered hearing this song as a boy and dreaming of having a son. I hadn’t heard this in years; quickly I went outside and cried like a baby. I realized that Garrett would not ever experience the joy of being married and having children. I know he would have been a great dad. I long to see my son again in the heavenly realm! Life can be very brutal.

On the other hand I see the impact my son had in this world and I remain extremely proud of his giving nature and spirit. If a Dad had to experience the legacy of one of his children – well I cannot think of a better one than that of my Son. Garrett helped people because he simply loved helping people. He “gave” to others with no expectation of receiving anything in return.

If you’re reading this and you have children – “hug them” and remember just how special they really are!

May 3, 2003 – Saturday
The past couple days have been hard. I finally completed the deal to get rid of two car payments. I could not sell the Mustang GT outright, so I traded in my truck and the Mustang and got another Ford F150 Lariat Supercrew. It hurt, sort of felt like I was getting rid of part of Garrett. I know it sounds silly. I got the color Shannon likes [two tone – gray with silver]. It has a power rear window for her dogs. It is the best bad financial deal I ever made, that is other than purchasing and keeping high tech stocks. I guess they call it minimizing your loses. Moving forward is difficult at times.

After I picked up the truck I went to the cemetery and purchased three more plots. I now own four six foot plots of ground. Too bad one is occupied by my son. This is not exactly how I planned to purchase land. I pray that I never have to use the fourth plot – horrible thought. I could not go though this Hell again! Now I can move forward and purchase a family headstone. I promise it will be a fitting tribute to an excellent Son! I miss him so much.

Last weekend Shannon learned to ride a dirt bike with a clutch. Now more than ever she wants a bigger bike. Mom does not like the idea and I have mixed feelings. I asked myself WWGS [what would Garrett say?] I knew the answer before I asked it. The jury remains out, but I suspect she will be successful in her efforts to convince me. I will have to try and figure out how a Dad can be more closely involved than I was with Garrett!?!? Strangely enough, I have that “I need to ride feeling.” More later.

It is 0200 hrs and I just got back from a two-hour hot tub soak. I feel mentally exhausted, but physically relaxed. Shannon got to drive home from Mr. B’s and she is pumped. She got to drive the new truck before my wife. Not looking forward to June.

May 12, 2003 – Monday
All week long I did not look forward to Mothers Day. I have thought about “this day” all week, watching Suzette. I could see the pain, yet also her strength. I feel so helpless to help her. Most of the time I can just watch and hurt too. We both miss Garrett so much. I could not bring myself to say “Happy Mothers Day” because it was not. Shannon did her best to cheer us up. She is so special!

We went by his grave yesterday - the usual brutal, gut wrenching emotional breakdown. It is so hard to move forward. Such a huge emptiness exists in my life. We planted a tree in the front yard yesterday, just outside Garrett’s room. It is a tree like shrub that provides red flowers and gives shade.

The three of us went to Pappasittas Restaurant. It was one of his favorites. Suzette and I cried as we saw a family with a little red headed boy and girl. I remain numb by how quickly life can go from absolute perfection to where ever it is now. I hurt real badly inside.

May 20, 2003 – Tuesday
It has been thirty-four weeks and two days. This past Saturday evening the three of us went to the 39th Wranglerettes Annual Dance at Friendswood High School. The Wranglerettes won the National Drill and Cheerleading Championship this year. Well anyway, many of these girls knew my son and they also know Shannon. The six senior girls danced a final dance together, dedicated to the memory of my son – needless to say, it was a beautiful dance and tribute to Garrett. The song they danced to was “The Dance” written by Garth Brooks. This dance show was as good as any dance show I have seen in Las Vegas, or New York – simply incredible. I remain amazed at the dedication of these young girls and adults whom are clearly committed to perfection.

I had a restless time sleeping Saturday night and only had about four hours of sleep. I awoke early Sunday and headed to the track in Splendora to ride. I had not ridden in three weeks. I was physically tired and could not get into the “rhythm” so the ride was short. I did enjoy talking with the MX family found at every track.

I received an email today from a 27-year-old man who lost his Dad to cancer when he was a senior in High School. His name is James. James found the post and can relate to my experience very closely – except from the perspective of a son whom lost his Dad. The email was extremely nice and provided me with the insight of how Garrett may have felt – had I been the one whom died. It was very emotional for me to read; however, I needed to have this perspective. It helps me. I would not want Garrett to go through what I am going through. Shannon even told me once that Garrett would not have been able to “handle it” if I died. She say, “Dad, do you realize how close you and Garrett were?” As parents, we feel like we have lived more and that our death would not be bad as when a parent loses a child – now I will have to evaluate that more, thanks to the heartfelt email from James. I plan on contacting James and will hopefully talk with him. God truly does work in mysterious and awesome ways!

Garrett would have Graduated High School on June 1, 2003 and his eighteenth birthday is June 24. I am not looking forward to June, but I am ready to “get past – through it.”

June 1, 2003 – Graduation Day
It was thirty-six weeks ago today! I awoke early this morning in tears. I remain numb by how quickly emotions can over run me. I hope I can handle the Graduation Ceremony – it is already a real ‘roller coaster’ day! I cannot help but think of what would have been. The type of things a son like Garrett would have done and become. Garrett touched more people in a positive way in seventeen short years than I will in a lifetime. Baruch Hashem! I wish the reality of “what is” - was not, damn it all!

Suzette made a flower arrangement for Garrett’s grave. The three of us are going by to see him before we attend the ceremony. The flowers are blue and white and it really looks awesome. I was in the shower and there it came again, thoughts of my Son. I am an emotional wreck today. I never expected this type of anxiety. I am going to ask the Almighty to give me “strength” today. Oh well, time to get on with this.

The three of us stopped by the grave before we went to the ceremony. It seemed to have helped. I would have still enjoyed hearing Garrett’s name being read aloud with the graduating class – but it was not to be. Emotionally we all had more strength than expected.

It was good to see and hear “Matthew James Sandt” as he walked proudly across that stage. I could not resist and yelled out a couple of “Ohhhh Rahhh’s!” I imagine Garrett looking down and giving Matt his nod of approval.

Shannon had a big weekend also. Her 15th Birthday is June 2, 2003. We got her a 2003 Yamaha TTR125L. Her Mom and I watched her ride it for the first time in the field behind our home after the Graduation ceremony. I know Garrett got a big kick out of seeing her ride. Mom was less enthusiastic than I would have liked, but after what we have been through I surely understand. I have talked with Shannon and I hope she fully understands how much trust we are putting in her and this motorcycle venture. I cannot begin to describe how much internal wrestling I had with this decision.

I am grateful for the unexpected ‘strength’ and ‘break in the anxiety’ that has come my way. I miss my Son!

June 14, 2003 – Sabbath Day [Saturday]
The break in the anxiety continues. I remain very grateful. Once again this past Thursday night I cried myself to sleep. It has been a while since I had done this. Strange how things happen sometimes. It is virtually incomprehensible how much I miss my son!

I remember Fathers Day last year. Garrett gave me a red T-shirt that says, “One Cool Dad!” I asked him if he felt that way and he responded in the affirmative. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me. Shannon gave me a T-shirt also – from her favorite store, Old Navy. I have been there many times with her. She too gave me a nice big hug and told me she loved me. These are memories I will always cherish. Part of me is afraid of tomorrow my first Fathers Day without my son – the wounds are still so very deep. I will want to have one of his hugs, but that will not be. I remain hopeful the weather holds up in such a manner we can ride. I will ride hard tomorrow.

This morning we had a lengthy bible study – from the book of Job. It was very interesting to reinvestigate the experiences of Job during his suffering. I had remembered how Satan received permission from G_d to put Job to the ‘test.’ G_d – nothing more, enabled Satan’s power. In other words Satan had to go to G_d and obtain permission to do anything to Job. Satan could only do those things to Job that G_d had given him permission to do. This is affirmed in both Job Chapters one and two. The three friends sent to ‘help’ Job were Eliphaz [son of Esau], Bildad, and Zophar. Each man had three conversations with Job and Job responded to each one. During Job’s responses it became obvious that Job considered himself righteous comparing himself with G_d. Then Elihu son of Barachel, a younger man than Job and his friends, asking for permission to speak responded, counseling the older men Elihu rebuked Job for judging himself more righteous than G_d. Elihu went on to speak four times. He presented numerous themes: such as; suffering can spare man from worse travail; a small amount of good can save man; prayerful repentance cures; G_d is impartial and has no reason to pervert justice and that Job must stop his rebellious criticism. Elihu went on uninterrupted with other themes: such as, virtue benefits man and not G_d, the wicked do not reflect on the purposes of G_d, His judgements are never haphazard and he goes on comparing G_d’s omnipotence to rain and His complete control of all aspect of nature.

In the end G_d speaks from a whirlwind, affirming His omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence. He rebukes Job and Job admits error, repents and is restored without any blood sacrifice. God speaks to Eliphaz and his friends expressing his anger and orders them to provide a burnt offering to Job. Job prays for his friends and the Almighty shows compassion sparing them from His judgement. In end Job received double the blessings G_d allowed Satan to take. The daughters of Job were said to be more beautiful than any of the daughters anywhere in the land and Job gave his daughter’s an inheritance amongst their brothers. This is one of the few places in scripture where daughters receive an inheritance along with the sons. For those of us whom have daughters – they can and do receive our inheritance, both physically and spiritually! Baruch Hashem [Praise the Name – referring to G_d]!

An interesting side note is that Job is the only book in scripture that we are not told when it was written. This fact has some very interesting connotations in the spiritual realm. For me, I suspect that this study was very timely. I have been trying very hard to move forward from the loss of my son and I often find myself wondering about his death. The book of Job shows how we can be blessed in our suffering and hardships – yet the capacity to apply the lessons from scripture can be so elusive.

On this coming Fathers day I ask that you all reflect on your father and remember his good. Those of us whom are fathers I suggest that you hug each and every one of your children like never before and let them know how special they are to you. Our children will always be our children; however, they are “loaned” to us by G_d and we are entrusted to help them be better than we are – and to teach them about the Creator!

Tomorrow – I will be hugging Shannon and “riding with both my kids!” Happy Father’s Day all.

June 15, 2003 – Sunday [Fathers Day]
Well it rained today and every track was closed so much for riding with my kids. The sun came out just after noon. I felt like I was being taunted. I received a super card from Shannon – she sure knows how to make a Daddy feel good!

Today was hard for me. My mind wandered to this day last year. I was wearing the T-shirt that Garrett gave me last Fathers Day. Out of no where, or should I say “from deep within” came the emotional deluge. Strange, before my son died I never remembered balling uncontrollably – damnedest thing I have ever experienced. I went alone to Garrett's grave and spent some quiet time. I do feel like I am getting a bit stronger, but today was just simply tough. For the first time today I thought about the many folks who do not have “good days” on Fathers Day. Prior to Garrett’s death I was mindful of my own fathers passing, but I had always enjoyed the day. I just felt that was strange, all of a sudden thinking about all the people who hurt today. I hope the Almighty comforts those whom cry to sleep tonight.

Suzette was a champ today. She unfortunately knows how it feels – and she literally did everything to help minimize the pain. She baked my favorite berry pie, grilled steaks – man she even cooked homemade spaghetti sauce with my favorite noodles! I am so thankful that she is my soul mate – I saw her pain today too.

Oh well, I am going to bed now – I feel emotionally drained. Looking for the end of these 1440 minutes. Tomorrow will be a better day!

June 24, 2003 – Garrett’s 18th Birthday, Tuesday
I took the day off work today. This past Sunday evening and yesterday were extremely emotionally tough days. I have not been looking forward to today – just knowing that I can’t be with my son. I had such dreams for him in his life and was looking forward to seeing all of the things he had yet to accomplish. I just knew inside he would become a mechanical engineer and eventually becomes a real good Dad.

I had the pleasure of seeing Garrett interact with an eighteen-month old boy at a track a few years back. He took at least thirty minutes and lay on a blanket and was clearly involved with this young child. The thing I remember the most is how he smiled and played with Elijah and then he looked up at me and said, “Dad he is such a cool kid.” I remember thinking how unusual it was for a kid that age to take time and spend it with a little boy, especially at one of his favorite MX tracks.

Today is so much different than it was 18 years ago. We became parents of a premature infant whom had many physiological hurdles to overcome – and was given a fairly bleak chance of survival. Now I am a dad in mourning reflecting back on the life of his only son. I remain very proud of my son and the type of person he choose to become. For the most part he made damn good decisions. Garrett had many positive traits in his short life. I am very proud of his caring nature and willingness to help people virtually without questioning, or expecting anything in return. He was honest, diligent and had a level of integrity far beyond his years. Not only was he my son, he was a very special friend to me. We were damn near inseparable – until the past thirty-nine weeks and two days! I miss my Son!

Shannon got to ride the track in Splendora today for the first time. I followed her around for three laps and then let her take a few on her own. I suspect it is just something she needed and wanted to do. The track was still real rough from the past weekend races. They made some real cool changes to the track lay out also. I suspect Garrett was looking down on his little sister as she rode.

Today I am remembering words from this past Memorial Day that really touched me yet can be so elusive to apply. I will close this post with those words – “rather than mourn the absence of the flame let us celebrate how brightly it burned.”

July 25, 2003 – Friday
I am glad June is over and July has gone fast. It has been 43 weeks and five days. The three of us went on a nine-day trip early this month. It was the first time we “got away” since Garrett’s death. It was good to get away, but all during the trip I had a sense that something was missing. Yes, I knew what was missing it was my son. Sometimes just “being in my heart” doesn’t seem to help much!

We flew into Phoenix rented a car and drove to Flagstaff. The next day we visited the Grand Canyon and went up to Lake Powell and spent two days. We watched fire works from our hotel balcony and even rented a boat to tour around the lake to visit some of the canyons that make it such a beautiful place. The water is over 500 feet deep in places and one can see down many feet. The lake had a soothing effect or a short period of time. Shannon and I were swimming around in the beautiful blue water and I glanced over at Suzette sitting on the shore – I swore I could see Garrett’s face behind his mother. I cried!

When we left Lake Powell we drove to Zion Canyon and Bryce Canyon in southern Utah. I had visited these places back in 1981. Shannon got “canyoned out” so we drove north through Salt Lake City [702 miles] into Wyoming and stopped in Alpine for the night, just 23 miles south of Jackson Hole. We moved through Jackson Hole and I was “blown away” by the beauty of the Grand Teton Mountain range. Yellowstone National Park provided all the neat scenery from recovering forestry, grizzly bears, black bears, bison herds and a bald eagle. We ended up sleeping in Silvergate, Montana at the Grizzly Inn. The elevation was about 9,000 feet and the brisk smell and sound of a mountain stream were the music for my senses. I ended up drinking whiskey and smoking a cigar in an old saloon. I thought of my son, cried some and talked motorcycles and snow mobile racing with JR. Good memories for a man who misses his son. We drove back through Yellowstone and rode horses for a half day in the Grand Tetons. The scenery was breath taking, but I was in constant pain from the horse. My legs are not meant to spread that far apart. Later this day I spent three hours in a hot tub and I limped for two days. I returned to Texas through Salt Lake City in pain, but had to smile – drove 1932 miles and visited five states in eight days.

Last Sunday I order the headstone for our family gravesite. Our objective is to have it in place by September 22, 2003 – the one year anniversary of Garrett’s death. I was hopeful that the ‘vacation’ would help me refocus and sort of ‘get back in the saddle’ of life. I feel like I am walking backwards on a moving sidewalk in the wrong direction – I know everything in life is moving past me, but I cannot seem to go forward. It is a confusing feeling and moving forward remains difficult. I see the pain all over my wife all the time. It simply hurts beyond description. I feel so helpless to comfort my soul mate.

I haven’t rode the YZ450 in four weeks. The last few times I have ridden it hasn’t felt the same, sort of hard to engage. I may try and ride on Sunday. Shannon wants to ride pretty bad. I do not have the heart to tell her that I am having trouble “engaging the saddle” if you will. This roller coaster is not fun to ride. Life is simply different these days. Looking for an emotional break!

August 13, 2003 – Wednesday
It is 46 weeks and three days today. The past four days have been emotionally rough. It is so perplexing how intellectually you tell yourself to “move forward and be strong” and then during the normal course of a day “something” triggers those thoughts. It could be a young red headed boy, or darn near anything that ‘takes you back.’ The ‘tears from no where’ continues to cross my aging cheeks – and now seem to have a soothing effect on my eyes. It is so hard at times, I really, really, really miss my Son.

These days I am so protective of Shannon. A couple days ago I ‘almost missed’ a chance to talk with her. You know it was one of those subtle moments about 10:30 PM when she wanted to talk and in typical male fashion I damn near missed it. She eventually made it blatantly obvious. The nice part is that we talked for damn near two hours – just about ‘stuff.’ I will have to focus and make sure I do not miss these opportunities in the future. She is growing up so fast and it scares me. She is the only child I have and I could not bear anything happening to her. I remain so thankful that G_d gave me a daughter – I have always said that “every Dad needs a daughter” – this statement still remains so true.

The nights remain a challenge. Frequently I awaken in the darkness and find myself experiencing some aspect of September 22, 2002 – all over again. I am thankful that the last words Garrett heard were mine telling him to “hang in there little man and that I loved him.” I remember kissing his cheek. It seems that now many of those “hindsight questions” flash in my psychic – those selfish life thoughts about if I had only done this, or that he would be alive today. All things considered, I suspect these thoughts are normal and on the other hand I know the stark reality. My son remains dead and living with this fact continues to rip my guts out. I am emotionally drained and I miss my Son!

August 18, 2003 – Monday
Well it has been 47 weeks and one day! The weeks now seem to roll into each other. Thankfully my psychic has been improved, temporary relief for which I am very appreciative. Over the weekend I had some ‘garage time’ working on the YZ450. Performed the normal tasks like changing the oil and filter cleaned the air filter and changed the spark plug. Heck I even polished up the Thunder Alley a little bit. It felt good inside and man I sweat profusely in this Houston heat. It is simply too damn hot in Houston now.

Suzette is having a real hard day. I feel so helpless; watching her pain simply hurts. I never thought I would feel absolutely helpless in life, but this is it. A soul mate cannot help the other endure the ultimate of pain – dealing with the loss of a child. When Mom’s “do it right” they have a Special relationship with their sons and Garrett and his Mom were very close. She literally had a sense about his every move. My own Mother was a great Mom and Suzette is much better. I will never forget her face at Herman Hospital Trauma Center when I told her that Garrett “did not make it.” It is often one of those things I see when I awaken in the middle of the night. The sounds of her sleeping remain a comfort as I lay in the darkness.
That day in September is beginning to sneak into my psychic. The ‘year mark’ and at times it feels like an eternity. I am not quite sure how to take the first anniversary; hopefully we will have the headstone in place. I wonder if I should ride, or drink – I won’t but the ‘thought’ is there. I learned a long time ago that whiskey doesn’t change reality. I wish there were a way to forget the pain, the reality of what has happened – just for a short period of time. At times, life is in fact a “run away roller coaster!”

Tomorrow evening is another Compassionate Friends meeting. We have missed the past couple, but we both need to go – just being there for each other! I sincerely hope and pray that our experience of loosing our only son can somehow help prevent another set of parents from having to live this nightmare! Looking for this 1440-minute period to end.

August 24, 2003 – Sunday
It has been 48 weeks today! Everywhere I go I think of my son. I wonder if “moving forward” becomes easier. In my head I often hear the echoing of Charleton Heston as he spoke, “those things that cannot be defeated must be endured!” A profound, yet challenging reality.

My Dad, Leon Wallace “Wally” Berg Jr. would have been 81 years old today. I wish my Dad could have known my son. He had numerous opportunities, but….. It was not to be. I suspect, this is one of the reasons I try so hard to be a good Dad. Nothing should ever separate a father and child! None the less, I look back to my Dad and remain thankful for the “good” and grateful to have learned from the “not so good.” I have discovered that being an effective parent is not instinctive, but rather a “learned skill set” that must be intentionally developed over time.

Yesterday, the three of us and Suzettes Mom and Dad toured the National D-Day Museum in New Orleans. It is absolutely incredible and definitely worth while! My Father in Law Bud is the only Grandfather my children have ever known. He is a damn fine man and has had a superb impact on Garrett and Shannon. Bud fought in the Pacific during WWII and saw much combat. To this day he speaks of it infrequently, but when he does the tears and pain are clearly visible in his eyes. My Dad also fought in WWII in the European sector with the 36th Armored Infantry Regiment. As I grew up, Dad never spoke much about the “Great War.” He told the “humorous” stories, but never got real detailed about the horror; he took that to his grave. I reflected much as I toured the museum – amazed at the reality of what our soldiers went through. All war is hell, but this one was incredible. Sadly yet fortunately retrospection often brings wisdom that awaits application.

September 1, 2003 – Monday
It has been 49 weeks and one day. My wife is having a rough time. I see her and immediately recognize “that look” and know there is nothing I can do to help. This helplessness really stinks – you remain there and desire to feel like you are of comfort, but you know differently. I am simply ‘there’ and it does not feel like enough. I know the pain and anguish of a father’s grief, but a mother’s grief is hard to watch!

This past week I saw “that look” and instinctively touched her shoulder asking, “can I get you something honey?” She said, “Yeah, bring my son back!” Those words pierced my soul – how I wish it were possible. I know she meant no harm she is just hurting, but words are like bullets fired from a gun, once the trigger is pulled there is no getting them back. In my mind I keep hearing “Yeah, bring my son back” – talk about being completely helpless! I have started to have those “thoughts” I have fiercely resisted. I think to myself, “if I had not let him get the YZ450 he would still be alive?” I believe this is true. Not once have I regretted riding motorcycles with my son – I would do it all again. But the YZ450 decision now haunts me. Oh I know how much Garrett loved that YZ450F and that he had never been “happier” in his life – the price of “his happiness” and the cost of my decision is now a huge burden. The pain remains incredible.
The person I was before September 22, 2002 no longer exists. Inside I am struggling to find out who I am now and feel desperate to "re-engage life” again. I am not “comfortable” being whatever I am now. I am different now and do not fully understand it, yet I know why. G_d I miss my son!

September 21, 2003 – Sunday [52 seven-day periods since his death]
It was 52 weeks ago today about this time when I was ‘officially’ told of my son’s death, even though inside I already knew. I remember seeing his face at the track when I removed his helmet– it was then that I knew he was dying – inside I had a nauseous feeling of absolute helplessness and panic. I remember thinking, “not my son, not my son.” I am grateful that his last conversations was with me and mine were the last words he heard – but the pain and anguish of his death remains difficult to handle.

According to the Gregorian calendar tomorrow is ‘officially’ September 22, 2003; however, the ‘Greaco’ calendar is inaccurate, thus the need for inserting leap years. As defined by the Hebraic calendar it was 52 seven-week periods from today when the accident occurred. The Hebraic calendar compensates for both lunar and solar occurrences; thus mathematically maintains its precision.

Suzette and I went to the grave today and placed a wreath she made. The birds were singing big time as she laid the wreath at his head. I resist going to the grave because it is usually such a gut wrenching experience for me. I almost never hear the birds, except when Suzette is there. We drove to Splendora and put a wreath on the tree that Garrett Hit. The track was closed due to rain and we had the place to ourselves, just the three of us. Suzette commented on how peaceful and pretty it is and she understands why Garrett hangs out there.

I stood and reflected on the accident and walked the sight line of Garrett’s last ride. I find it hard to understand why he was going so damn fast. I remain astonished at the distance he traveled and I wonder why? Split second decisions that were made and the result were “Garrett was 6 inches shy of missing the tree.” His line of sight was restricted and he could not see the tree behind the one he successfully missed. The injuries he sustained were massive. G_d was very merciful in minimizing his suffering!

It remains very hard for me to “engage” life again. Inside I am different – I hurt most of the time. Loosing a child profoundly changes a person in so many ways. It embeds an emptiness that steals your joy. I feel like Garrett is fine where he is now, but I long for that “sign from above” when Garrett lets me know that he is in fact O.K.! Life is so different now – I miss my Son!

October 12, 2003 – Sunday
It has been 55 weeks today. I wonder if the ‘weeks in my mind’ will ever go away. Recently I have been fortunate to get a reprieve from the anguish of grief. I was having real difficulty ‘engaging’ the events of the forthcoming coming Memorial Race, even though I am looking very forward to it. It is hard to explain and even more difficult for me to understand. I frequently ask myself “when should I just let my son be dead?” It is not like I do not live with the reality every day.

I am very excited about GMB2 as it has become known! I am pumped about the raffle of the 2004 YZ450F. It was just an idea I had coming home from work thinking about how our family could give something really neat back to the community whom has given us such tremendous support. I know how much Garrett loved his YZ450 and hopefully the winner of the “Ultimate Raffle” will appreciate the ‘hora’ associated with our intention. Oh well, it is time to take a ride at Splendora today with Shannon. I am so thankful for this temporary reprieve!

November 11, 2003 – Tuesday Evening
Fifty-nine weeks and two days! The past couple days have been rough. I keep reliving portions of the accident in my mind. Lately, my psychic has wandered back to the trauma room at Herman Hospital and those minutes with Shannon and hugging Garrett as he lie on the gurney. I keep going over ‘waiting’ for Suzette to arrive from Dallas and relive telling her all over again. I wonder if all this makes sense.

There is a part of me that hates living in this house. So much of the environment is still the same; except, my Son will never come home. The internal struggle during the difficult days is confusing. It is so damn hard to move forward. Life feels like a burden much of the time – it simply is not, nor will it ever be the same. The finality of death never felt this intense with the loss of my parents. G_d, this is hard to take. Negativity over runs me. No place to hide and no where to run! I detest the way I feel.

Life, I wonder now what is its purpose? The “lows” know no bottom. I hope the distance between ‘them’ keeps growing. For now it seems each day is just another 1440 minutes that ‘grind’ on whatever remains of what was and erode portions of “what is.” Anguish and grief have no boundary or conscious and remains “An Endless Journey!” G_d damn it I miss my Son!

November 27, 2003 – Thanksgiving Day
It has been 61 weeks and 4 days since Garrett died. We drove back from Dallas last night after visiting with Granny and Paw – Paw. We had a Thanksgiving meal with them. It was very good to see them. My kids have been fortunate to have such great paternal influences in their lives.

As I drove back in the darkness my thoughts dwelt on Garrett his life, but mostly his death. I looked at Suzette and she had that ‘stare in her eyes’ – I knew she was thinking about our son. I hate to say it but the pain remains so intense for me. At times it feels like I am “standing still” in a world that is passing me by and each time I attempt to ‘stand up’ I emotionally get knocked down. Each time it is harder and harder to get up. Inside, I battle with that part of me that wants to be lying next to my son. I must stop writing for now for there is no positive energy – damn it all!

December 8, 2003 – Monday
Last night both Suzette and I lay in bed and cried. She had a rough day and was really missing Garrett. I was on that “emotional verge” all day and her tears started mine. It has been 63 weeks and one day.

I was drawn to Garrett’s grave on Saturday and spent about an hour crying and talking with my son. I actually heard the ‘birds’ sings. It was a rather chilly day and I wore a jacket that Garrett would have liked – a Yamaha Racing jacket. I purchased the jacket and dedicated it to the memory of my son. As I sat at the grave my mind wandered from his birth to his death. I was remembering many of those “special moments” in my mind. I am trying to talk with Garrett more these days, but it remains hard – I seem to always end up in an emotional deluge. I cannot explain the pain that comes from looking down at your son’s head stone, seeing his picture and reading his name. My mind wandered as I remembered the words of my Grandpa as he stood by the casket of my Aunt Dorothy in 1974. He said, “I wish to G_d that the bullet had hit my head and not my arm and I was laying there and not her.” He stroked Aunt Dorothy’s cheek and fought back tears, I cried! Unfortunately, I know his pain!

I have had a diabetic sore on my left foot that has not healed for eight months. It developed from a blister and I cannot feel foot pain due to neuropathy, so I chose to ignore it. This fact combined with apathy – I suspect resulting from depression. I just pressed on. The end result was a “raging infection” that could have gotten into the bones of my foot. Had that happened, it would have been surgery, or worse. I have been off of work for four weeks now. The only way to heal it is to stay off of it. In retrospect, part of me just simply did not care – blatant and conscious defiance! I have not been like that in a long time, goes all the way back to my “thoughtless youth.” My wife is the one who finally made me see a specialist. Why is it that most men wait and then finally listen to their wives? Thank G_d for “soul mates.”

I dislike the “holiday season” and will be elated when they are over. Don’t get me wrong, I cherish the family time more now than ever before, but I find it hard to ‘enjoy’ them these days. No doubt it has to do with missing my son. I wonder if the ‘hole’ in my heart will ever mend. The commercialism existing sickens me. Many people subconsciously take their families for granted. If you are reading this now, make sure you ‘refocus’ on what is really important in life. Life can change in an instant. Make sure that you tell your children that you love them – it will be something that you will never regret!

Fortunately, I am feeling a bit of a reprieve from the negativity that was crippling me. I never would have believed that I can feel so damn depressed – and not see it coming, nor defeat it when it grips me. I hope this reprieve continues. This Holiday Season enjoy your family and hopefully I take my own advice!

December 28, 2003 – Sunday
It has been 66 weeks. A few days ago we had a family dinner at noon. The table was ‘set’ with the China we seldom use, but it looked real nice. Briefly I felt sort of a soothing feeling and then I saw only three place settings. Instinctively I set a place for Garrett. It felt better, but as I began to eat “it” sent me to the front yard in tears. The memories from all the years past came roaring back to the forefront of my mind and I broke. Heck it was only noon and I had already had two emotional deluges. The first was after I had showered and inadvertently glancing down at a box on the bedroom floor, my eyes focused on a picture of Garrett I had taken when he was a baby – it hit me like a ton of bricks. The enormity of our loss continues its haunting presence.

I haven’t ridden the YZ450F on a track since the end of October and I have the itch real bad. My foot is healing nicely from the wound. I am dying to go back to work. It is very difficult to be so “inactive” and stay off the foot. I managed to start the bike, heck after it was running; I had to ride it around the block – cast and all. It was just one of those things that had to be done. When I got home my wife said, “did that help?” My response, “I think so.” Come to think of it Garrett and I normally started the bikes and ripped around the block a couple of times on major holidays. I hope he was looking down and smiling.

I guess “all this” is normal. This past November was simply brutal and I remain very thankful for the ‘reprieve’ – hope it continues. The three of us went to a movie with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. It is a great movie and funny. Both their performances deserve an Oscar. The film was entitled “Something Has Got To Give.” It was worth the money and the movie is one that I will watch again.

Shannon went with some friends to Skull Creek to ride today. It is the first time I have let her take the bike without me. Needless to say we had one of the “Dads – Daughter” talks about responsibility and being careful. I trust the Dad whom is mentoring her today. It is a private riding place that encompasses 3000 acres. I know she will come home smiling, dirty and will have had a major time. It was sure tempting for me – I must make sure this foot heals. I will ride around the 10th of January.

January 1, 2004 – Thursday
The secular New Year of 2004 is here and hopefully America will remain free from terrorist attacks. Last night I sat in the garage and drank Crown Reserve on the rocks, smoked a decent cigar and gazed at Garrett and Matt’s bike. I remembered all the fun we had riding and the ‘fatherly’ talks. I remembered the wheelies Garrett became known for and the endless ‘roost’ from both of them. Mostly I remembered how much I enjoyed watching them mentally and physically develop into fine young men! For a while there, at least in my mind it seemed damn real. Unfortunately reality returned, as did the tears.

In the darkness I heard firecrackers, music, and laughter and saw some fireworks in the distant skies. No stars were visible and that caused some temporary irritation. I wanted to see the stars and to believe that Garrett was one of them. I thought of Matt and Marine Boot Camp and figured that he was probably thinking about home and Garrett. It was then that I decided to start the YZ450 at midnight! Reacting on instinct, I took a “spin” around the block providing the “Ultimate New Years Tune” – the crisp sound of a finely tuned Four Stroke playing the “Thunder Alley Boogie!” I saw some of the neighborhood kids running with me on the sidewalks, barely hearing their cheers as I rolled back the throttle and let the bike sing! What a way to “roll in the New Year” remembering my son and playing his ‘favorite tune!’

Suzette has been having a rough day today. We went to the cemetery and hung out for a while. Still hard for me to go there, but she needed me. I have been there a lot lately. Shannon came home tonight from another off-road dirt bike excursion. Friends of our family took her to Skull Creek again. They spent the night last night and rode all day. I don’t think I have ever seen Shannon so dirty and so happy. I am grateful that her mind was ‘occupied’ on something else. I will forever remember the smile on her face. She is definitely her Daddy’s girl and Garrett’s sister – whom I suspect, was looking down from above and smiling too.

I finally get to go back to work on Monday. I have been about to go stir crazy sitting around. I have been doing my best to make sure my foot healed as quickly as possible. I have about three more days just sitting around finalizing the healing of the wound. From now on I will need to make it a point to be more mindful of the condition of my feet. I am definitely ready to hit the ground running!

All things considered I feel relatively strong and very thankful for the emotional reprieve. Happy New Year all!

February 1, 2004 – Sunday
Well it has been 71 weeks today. Remarkably I am still feeling stronger, yet I miss my son so very much! Last night I sat on his bed looking around at the disarray, memorial T-shirts that remain, pictures, old computer parts, his hats, shoes even the blue jeans he wore that dreadful day. I broke into uncontrollable sobbing and tears – it still hurts so badly. My eyes drain as I type. Living with pain is now beginning to feel normal, yet it is still pain and it hurts! I know it will never leave, until I do.

Today is Superbowl 38 – and many await the second “Winner” of the 2004 Yamaha YZ450F raffled off to help Jakey McBride. It is an awesome cause and I am proud to have been a small part of it. I look forward to finding out the “winner” and notifying them with Mark McBride during half time of the game.

Today is also a day of “national remembering” the astronauts that perished in the Columbia disaster one year ago! I know one of the boys whom father was killed – pain still evident in his eyes. I hope they find comfort as the nation remembers today during the Superbowl 38 Festivities.

Yesterday I went to Texas Yamaha and just hung out for awhile, for nostalgic reasons. Texas Yamaha is the sole sponsor of the 2004 Houston Supercross, quite an honor and expense! I was asked to bring Garrett's 2003 Yamaha YZ450F to their V.I.P tent in the pit areas during Houston Supercross 2004! I must tell you I was humbled and blown away. Graciously I accepted. I am actually excited that Garrett’s bike will sit amongst the “best of the best” during Houston Supercross 2004! This is an unbelievably cool tribute to the memory of my Son. G_d I miss my Son!

February 10, 2004 – Tuesday
It has been 72 weeks and two days. I awoke this morning in tears remembering my son. It was not the emotional deluge that has become so familiar, but rather a ‘gentle’ flow, yet distinctly painful. It remains difficult to describe how it feels to miss someone in this manner! I never had these feelings when I lost my Mother and then my Father years later. It is simply different when you bury a child – it is definitely part of you that is forever gone in the physical realm. Thankfully, I feel stronger but ‘living with pain’ is beginning to feel normal. I now know that time does not heal all wounds, even with great memories this pain remains eternal.

I was talking with my Rabbi this past weekend and during our conversation he said something that “rang true” at the very core of my soul. He said, “I will buy you this book about the 23rd Psalm, there is part of it that is especially for you, a message is there.” In typical fashion I responded, “the valley of death, Right?” He said, “exactly, you must walk through it, not stay in it.” It was at this point that I realized I remain in the “valley overshadowed by death” and I have yet to travel through it! Seems so simple, yet so hard to do. All I have to do now is figure out how to climb out of the valley and learn to enjoy the new horizons. I have always said, “recognition of the problem is the first step to correction.”

I have often wondered, “when do you just let your Son be dead?” So many thoughts run through my mind. Garrett touched many people in his short life – he really made a difference! Now many folks want to keep having the Memorial Race every year. I am honored the desire exists to do this and the Memorial Race weekends are incredibly awesome. Great people getting together and sharing their hearts and celebrating the life of my Son. It is very humbling for me. Parts of it can be difficult because you re-live a portion of “that day” all over again. In reality I have relived a portion of “that day” everyday for the past 72 weeks and two days – no real reason for that to change. As long as people want to have the GMB Memorial Race weekend type event – we will. It is in all actuality for all of us.

The 23rd Psalm read: “Hashem is my shepherd, I shall not lack. 2 In lush meadows He lays me down, beside tranquil waters He leads me. 3 He restores my soul. He leads me on the paths of righteousness for his Name’s sake. 4 Though I walk in the valley overshadowed by death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in view of my tormentors. You anointed my head with oil, my cup over flows. 6 May only goodness and kindness pursue me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the House of Hashem for long days.”

This was my Mothers favorite Psalm. It was read at her funeral in 1979. It now has an enormous sense of meaning for me. “Though I walk in the valley overshadowed by death, I will fear no evil...” At this particular junction in my life I do not fear anything except “repeating” what I always feared...."The death of one's own child." Who says there cannot be hell on earth?

March 21, 2004 – Sunday
It has been 78 weeks today. The emptiness inside is so real and I hate it. I rode yesterday on a track for the first time since last October. The foot has finally healed. I lost any endurance I ever had and am sore from trying to hang on to the YZ450F. It felt good to ride again. Shannon had a big time too. She rode real well. I followed her for four or five laps. She sure is special.

Still trying to adjust to the partial vision loss in my right eye. It hinders just about everything I do, but it could have been worse. I remain amazed how people my age can make such poor decisions. The process of living with grief is challenging and can really screw up your psychic. The mind plays ‘tricks’ on you when you hurt so badly that you loose your luster for life. I wish I had not ignored my diabetes. I must remain healthy for Shannon. I have since become a work in progress, playing a game of catch up.

During my sleep I have been dreaming lately. Nothing I remember when I wake up and not the dreams I long for. I have dreamt of Garrett once since his death and I awoke crying because I knew he was dead and I could not be having that dream! Oh how I long for that dream again. Suzette has been having a rough time lately. I listen for her sleeping sounds in the darkness and often hear only silence. We both know each other are awake, yet we remain silent. We have learned that we can do absolutely nothing for each others pain; however, we remain “hand-cuffed” steadfast together as ‘soul mates!’ We miss our son!

March 28, 2004 – Sunday
Another week passes – 79 weeks now. I wonder how long the “weeks” will last. It feels normal to ‘hurt’ now and an awareness to ‘move on’ persists. I remain in the valley overshadowed by death, but at least I am moving away from its infinite depth that so unconsciously entrapped me.

I awoke this morning to replays in my head of the accident. The sounds, visual memories and the look on Garrett’s face when I removed his helmet, “Oh G_d not my son!” How I have come to hate this memory. I suspect the horror will never go away. The purpose of his death, if one exists remains elusive and the emptiness so real. I hurt today and I wish I did not. I realize that Garrett would want me to go on and be so strong, but some days remain hell on earth.

Yesterday Suzette told me that one of Garrett’s flowers bloomed in the back yard. It is called a Passionflower and is a vine that can have many blossoms. We even had a picture of this engraved by hand on the headstone. I went and looked at the blossoms for the first time. The plant has at least twenty little flowers ready to bloom. The little things now are so acute in our memory. I will check them later in the back yard and I suspect they will bloom. I wonder if this could be a sign from above, from Garrett that will comfort his mother. I hope so!

For the past few weeks I have been “eating right” so to speak. I have started a regular exercise program that feels like it is going to kill me. I am stunned at how out of conditioned I am. I need to loose about 50 pounds in all and I have already dropped about ten. I wonder if I will make it. I hope that I become ‘impassioned’ in this exercise routine, for that will make it much easier to continue. I am so damn sore that I can hardly walk when I first stand up. Shannon is trying to force me into joining one of these 24-hour Fitness places. She will be paying half the cost; she wants to joint too! Nothing like a little personal investment to establish actual desire!

May 2, 2004 – Sunday
In mid April I changed jobs, for the last time. This was a major blessing for my family and me. I took a position with an organization determined to grow in a variety of markets that thrives on technology. Most importantly the markets we serve are not mature and digressing, or outsourcing. I sell highly specialized products associated with colloidal silica in aqueous and organic solvents. This is literally the perfect job for me. It provides leading edge technologies, has all the technical and sales challenges imaginable and a long history of being a company that views their people as a valuable asset. It feels so good to “look forward to going to work – everyday!”

It has been 84 weeks. The pain remains acute and is never far away; however, I have discovered my focus on life has finally changed. The turning point for me was first to realize that I had been “stuck” in the valley over shadowed by death. Thanks Rabbi! I know this sounds strange, but I was “so close to the flame, I could not see past the campfire.” The reality still amazes me, how one can be so close, yet not see. Once I realized precisely where I stood in life, I had to develop, or find the desire to “go forward” with life – literally I had to make a conscious decision to “live, or I would die!”

Reflectively, I now understand that somehow I had given up on life. I simply wanted to “be with my son.” I do not believe this was a conscious decision on my part; but rather “a place that grief took me on the roller coaster ride that never stops and never ends.” Frankly, my body physically rebelled, eventually waking me up. For elusive reasons I “did not heed” the frequent warnings from Suzette and Shannon. As if I had been startled suddenly, I found myself literally in physical shambles and emotionally exhausted. I came very close to loosing my left foot by ignoring a wound that would not heal. Shortly there after, one morning I awoke only to discover a vision loss in the upper half of my right eye. Doctors confirmed a forty-percent permanent vision loss caused by ischemic optic neuropathy, resulting from uncontrolled diabetes. Talk about a reality check! I now know that when a person hurts so badly inside reasoning and logical thinking can vanish ever so subtly. Then, unknowingly the “dark clouds of depression” begin to devour your soul, one bite at a time. Its clever beginning goes unnoticed and then at a later time “some how” your consciousness becomes aware that you are being devoured, victimized as if encompassed by a feeding frenzy of ravenous piranha. I am very fortunate and grateful that my wife and daughter never “gave up” on me like I gave up on myself. I am so very sorry that I have hurt my “soul mate” and my very special daughter. Perhaps they can learn from my weakness. I am now committed to “living” and “being there” for both of them. I will honor the memory of my son!

Perhaps one day I will be given the privilege to help someone else that becomes entrapped by grief resulting from the death of his or her child. We must all “learn from” and “rise above” the adversities that cross our path in our journey of life, if not, we are destined to repeat them!

June 6, 2004 – Sunday
Much “reflection” as this day began. I awoke with thoughts of my son and “that day.” I also had smiles from the 16th Birthday celebration for Shannon. The three of us along with three of her friends went and floated the Comal; a beautiful spring fed river in central Texas. Shannon got to drive