A Letter to My Son ..... [9/30/2002]

[Motodad393]

This is a letter I wrote to my son the Monday after we buried him. All the family had gone back to their lives and I was completely lost, devastated. I could not function and typed this letter crying profusely. May it help all those who read it.


September 30, 2002

Dear Garrett,

This letter is to you even though you already know what will be said- so thanks for being there for me Little Man! Hopefully writing this will help me.

I remember when you were born the doctors said that you had a “rough road” ahead. They questioned whether you would live because your lungs were under developed. That Monday evening I stood over your little bed in ICU. There were needles in your head, all kinds of monitors, and beeps. As I stood there sobbing and talking you turned your head towards my voice and squeezed my finger. I will never forget that squeeze. It was as if the Almighty was telling me it would be OK – and for 17 plus glorious years it was! I remember promising G_d that if “he would save my son that I would seek Him.” Thankfully He did, and I did. In retrospect, I have learned not to attempt to make deals with the Almighty – but to thankfully acknowledge His many blessings – regardless of how long they last!

Mom is having a tough time now. She remembers your movements in the womb and how that “special” bonding takes place. I am trying to help her son. Mom is strong, but she misses you like only a Mom can. We sit with your pillow, smell your scent, hold your picture and weep. I know that time heals all wounds – but I will believe it when I feel it. All the family is gone now and the three of us deal with the realities of your fleshly passing – yet cherish the memories. We miss you Son!

Shannon went to school today. She is a real “trooper” and is holding out O.K. She misses her brother. Mom was talking about the both of you and related it to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich – the kind you liked. Shannon represents the jelly and you represent the peanut butter. Both are good separately; however, together there comes a synergy known by all. I will think of you every time I have a PBJ, Mom made Shannon one this morning for school.

Son I told you many times how “special” you are and that I loved you. I will cherish forever your hugs. You always made it a point to tell me “good night Dad, love you.” I miss hearing that – but will be forever grateful that it was said over and over. I thank G_d that your memories of the “New Dad” outweigh the memories of the “Old Dad.” I am very proud of you Son. I can think of nothing that I would change about who you are and what you stood for. Daily you reached many “Crossroad of Life” and as we discussed you had two choices. The ‘right’ turns, or the ‘left’ turns! Son you made those decisions not Mom or me. Son, I said many times I am proud of the decisions that you are making, even the ones that resulted in your death. You did it right Son! You did it right!

Yesterday I rode your YZ450 for the first time. I finished the lap you started – because I know you would have wanted it that way. Your split second decisions prior to the accident and during the accident were revealed to me yesterday. You did it right Son! I learned that your feet came off the foot-pegs when you landed at the burm. The distance was damn near 200 feet. Witnesses told me you opened the throttle on the 450 and climbed back on the bike in mid air and whipped it left steering past the trees. You were leaning off the right side of the bike as you always did when you were “whipping it.” You were truly “one with your bike” Son. This is when you hit the tree. You were close Little Man, close. I am going to keep the YZ450 just as you left it and ride. It is not the same Son, but I now know exactly what you meant now about the YZ450 when compared to your YZ426. I can’t believe that Yamaha outdid the 426! It just pulls and pulls. I felt as though your 450 took the corners without me. I sensed your presence as we talked the first lap.

Bradley and Paula were their yesterday. Bradley was they’re checking over your 450. He did something to your rear brake because it did not work well after the crash. Bradley pointed out to me that the 450 rear braking system has no reservoir and when the bike lay down some air must have gotten into the system. I just used the front brake like you taught me, but the rear brake works great now. I think I may try and slide a burm or two when I get comfortable on the bike. Bradley wore your school ID and takes it to work everyday. I gave it to him Son, he sure loves you.

Yesterday, many at the track whom rode, sensed your presence. Zach was riding flawlessly – just like we always said “poetry in motion.” Jason Pierce from Thumpertalk jumped the triple step up too – in your memory! Eric, Jeff, Chris and Nick all rode in your honor. Matt found the courage to jump the triple step up again - where you died. Garrett his Dad was there and watched him ride for the first time ever! It was awesome! Just like Matt said coming back from the hospital after you died, “G_od truly works in mysterious ways.”

Mom and I learned of a “Special Friend – Lindsay” who’s heart you captured. I know you read her note, as did we. Her conversation with Mom was a great comfort. She too has sensed your presence in Technology class. It figures that you would show up there! Did you know that the drapes in her room are the same material Mom used in your bathroom? This reminded me of the ole saying that “coincidences are just miracles where G_d decides to remain anonymous.” Both she and Shannon have asked me to teach them to ride. I will teach them. I know you wouldn’t mind, I gave Shannon and Lindsay a ride on the YZ450 yesterday.

I now know what you did and why on Thumpertalk. Those folks are absolutely incredible. I am totally blown away by how many people that you have “touched” by just being “Motoman 393.” They are now hosting your website – for as long as they exist! You even have a ‘corner’ they call “Motoman393’s Corner.” I am humbled by how many folks you touched by just being Garrett. In retrospect I am not surprised because you have always had a kind heart and a gentle word.

During the past week I have reflected of the many talks we had about G_d, Life, Honesty, Integrity, work ethics, decision making and the resultant rewards and or consequences. I imagine that the times and talks we had together as Dad and Son, Father and Friend, and “two” with very similar passions is what will “carry me through” the difficult times – ones like today. Garrett I Love you so much and am so very proud of you! Son the things you taught me in this life, you now know as you ride and roost in the heavens! Say hello to my Mom – tomorrow it will be 23 years since she died!

Mr. “B” is having a rough time now Garrett. He was a “rock” during this past week. Look down from the heavens and give him a gentle hand. I know you won’t forget Rachel either.

Son we will be talking later today and I imagine many days in the future. Half of my hearts has been blown apart. Garrett without my relationship with G_d, Mom, Shannon and all our friends I would not have been able to make it. Like Matt said to me, “G_d truly does work in mysterious ways.” Thumpertalk was just one of the many blessings that G_d has and will continue to use to help us through – days like this one.

I will always love you Son – like we talked the Wednesday before you died. I thank G_d for the memories we have together, I just never though it would be me remembering the memories! Son, no man will ever be more proud of their Son than I am of you – You Did it Right Son – You Did it Right!

All My Love,

Dad