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Old 09-24-2008, 04:09 PM
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Default Tool definitions

     

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.
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Old 09-24-2008, 04:16 PM
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Ah yes the mighty "Hacksaw"
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Old 09-24-2008, 06:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VAL View Post

TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.
Ive use the sensored tool alot,and I am probbly the only on that has actualy set the truck down on the jack
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Old 09-24-2008, 06:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ktm_cody_199 View Post
Ive use the sensored tool alot,and I am probbly the only on that has actualy set the truck down on the jack
On my old SRT-4... I forgot the bottle jack I used to lift the engine was still under there... so I removed the other jacks... lowered the car.... closed the hood... started her up... put it in reverse... and BOOM. The engine decided to lower itself... crooked.

Amazingly... no damage was done... except to my friend's chest that was immediately punched since he got on the ground and checked to make sure there were no more jacks. He forgot one.
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Old 09-24-2008, 07:28 PM
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Val...that is a good one.
If you have spent much time doing all of your own work you can relate to each of those easily.

My favorite is the "Drill Press".
After you cut your hand you will figure how to mount the work piece correct or at least keep it from turning.

Wanna see my scar?
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Old 09-24-2008, 07:36 PM
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They did not metion the cheater pipe, a tool used to cause more injury to the user at the then the standard tool alone,

That is a good list and has a great bit a truth to it.
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Old 09-24-2008, 07:40 PM
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I can relate to that.....big scar on my thumb from "drillpress"
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:22 PM
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SO... I am at work reading this and dang if i cant keep from laughing!! haha this is great! even my boss loves this one! just about had all of these happen to me at least once! haha oh well great read though!!
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